Students Protected from Illegal Aliens

by The Commander 

Parents are breathing a sigh of relief this week after a close call on Juniperview's campus.

The trouble began earlier this month when a group of rogue students planned an unsanctioned event on campus. The event (called "Welcome to the Table") was intended to help local students and leaders get to know people who live in the community who could benefit from immigration reform. The informal event would have included testimonies from Latino immigrants who live and work in the Juniperview area, and also a discussion on immigration reform.

Once the event had appeared on the campus calendar for several months, and had been advertised extensively, and had been announced at numerous venues, university officials caught wind of the devious dinner. 

As they investigated the malevolent meal, university officials uncovered something sinister. Examination of the list of invitees revealed that the citizenship status of some of the guests... could not be verified. 

The surreptitious supper was quickly canceled, and any students with plans to attend the pernicious potluck were summarily executed. 

The Vice Regent of Party Planning and Banquet Preparations, Jon Claude Van Hamme, questioned whether the recreant repast aligned with the mission of the university.

"As with any event at Juniperview, we must ask the question: would Jesus be a part of this?" clarified Van Hamme, "Eating with strangers? Of different nationalities? I don't think so!" 

Dr. Barsuvius agreed. He acted quickly in hopes of shielding students from the dangerous effects of eating with people different than them.

"These vile victuals had the potential to bring down the entire university. I had to act, to protect everything we hold dear." 

When news broke about the cancellation of the event, representatives of the nascent Approaches to New Godly Learning Organization were quick to congratulate Dr. Barsuvius for his actions. 

In a private ceremony Tuesday, admissible by invitation only, ANGLO presented Dr. Barsuvius with a gold medal for Courage in Leadership.

While accepting his medal, Dr. Barsuvius humbly deflected the praise. He named another Midwestern Christian university as a strong influence on his decision making.

“To be honest, we cannot take all the credit for such vigilance. We were inspired by the precedent set by our sister school, Cedarville University in Ohio. Students at CU had planned a similar event on their campus this month. They were set to host a holiday banquet with people of various nationalities… inviting them to come to the table around the issue of immigration. Luckily, before the event could get off the ground, the President of the University swooped in and said, ‘No way, Jose!’”

Over at Cedarville, the errant youth who had planned a banquet with nefarious nibblers were surprised to find their room request mysteriously canceled. When these wayward students inquired about the cause of this cancellation, word came down from the President’s office that such an event would not be taking place on campus.

Using Cedarville’s approach as a model of Biblical integration, Juniperview University responded on their campus with similar tactics.

Barsuvius said, “On issues like this, someone has to go first. Someone has to pave the way. Without innovative trail-blazers to serve as examples, who knows how we would have responded to the issue of immigration?”

Female Bible Professor Resigned, Not Terminated

by The Commander

Today, President James Barsuvius responded to allegations that he fired a Bible professor because she was a woman.

On Monday, Professor Happi Logan turned in her resignation. Ms. Logan taught Women's Ministry at Juniperview University for nearly 10 years.

Logan's sudden departure from the university gave way to speculation that President Barsuvius played a role in eliminating her position. Students, alumni, and staff made numerous inquiries, petitioning Barsuvius to clarify the role he played in the decision.

"Let me be clear: I did not fire Professor Logan," said Barsuvius, "I simply made the atmosphere completely unbearable for her until she resigned."

Barsuvius went on to explain that he would never fire an employee because of their gender. Instead, he would employ a number of tactics to wear female employees down, make them feel unwelcome, and challenge their right or authority to teach Scripture.

"Listen, Professor Logan can stay at Juniperview as long as she likes. Leaving is her choice, not mine. We'd be happy to find a new role for her... perhaps as kitchen staff or in the chapel nursery. Nobody can say there is no place for women at Juniperview."

One unnamed Trustee had this to say about the situation, "I support the President 100 percent. He took no action against the Bible Professor. He simply stripped her of the roles and responsibilities she never should have had in the first place."

Professor Logan will leave several sections of her Women's Ministry courses without a professor. The University encourages female students to sign up for these courses anyway.

"We are working on a plan to make sure that Women's Ministry gets the attention it deserves. Dr. Jeff Wildman may take over the class, or another member of the Bible faculty. Dr. Daniel Bigmale, or Dr. Michal Pestosterone, or Dr. Conrad Testes... one of the guys will surely take over the course," said Barsuvius, "Rest assured, women will receive the precise teaching they need to hear on this important topic."

The men on campus had a variety of reactions to the news of Logan's departure, ranging from disinterest to apathy to enthusiastic support.

Women across campus could not be reached for comment because they could not stop weeping.

Despite apparent controversy, one thing is clear: Happi Logan will no longer be serving at Juniperview.

"Professor Logan fell on her own," said Barsuvius, "All I did was shake the tree."

What Happened to Juniperview?

Dear Devoted Readers, 

Greetings to you in the Name above all names… Juniperview University.

As you have surely noticed, there have been no new postings on Juniperview University News since October. We apologize for this long delay in posting. The lack of new content is inexcusable, especially when we stop to consider how vitally important it is that Juniperview University spread its light and truth in a dark and weary world. If not us, then who?

Why have we not posted? Unfortunately, there have been some internal staffing concerns here at Juniperview News.  

That being said, the Leadership has some important announcements to make.

First, are editor is no logern employed buy us.

This past month, an internal investigation of Juniperview News Organization revealed that Cornelius Finklestein had, on numerous occasions, visited a church whose teachings do not align fully with the Newspaper Doctrinal Statement.

What’s black and white and red all over? A university newspaper editor covered in iniquity! 

When this news came to light, Cornelius was immediately terminated.

It is standard practice, when one employee is found to be out of compliance with University Law, that we open an investigation on the entire department.

Steven Norris, Juniperview writer and friend of Finklestein, was found to be complicit in this cover-up. Steven had knowledge of Finklestein’s affinity for perverted churches, yet did not report this information immediately to the administration. With someone of Finklestein’s persuasion active in the organization, it was Steven’s responsibility to bring this information to light. He did not.

For this reason, Steven Norris will no longer be writing for Juniperview University News.

Frederick J. Templeton has served Juniperview University for many, many years. A once prolific author, Templeton wrote hundreds of books in his lifetime. He wrote a devotional in 1956 entitled How to Follow Jesus Like a Man. As we were completing our annual review of this book and his other writings, we noticed the following quote:

I have been following Jesus my entire life. I have followed him for 70 years; I am almost certain I will be following him for another 70.

Juniperview University has made clear its position on Truth and Certainty. Phrases like “almost certain” open the door to doubt, postmodernism, open theism, and homosexuality. 

For this reason, Frederick J. Templeton will no longer be writing for Juniperview University News.

(It has also come to light that Janis Joplin is a woman. She has been fired.)

Those are the most recent staffing changes at Juniperview University News. Rest assured: we have followed the age old adage, “When in doubt, clean house.” With time, prayer, and effort, we know we will get this publication back on track.

Stay tuned for updates on our search for new staff. More to come… also, visit the updated "News Staff Page."

Where are they now?

Cornelius Finklestein was executed by firing squad at dawn. His final words were, “Long live Juniperview, oh Righteous and Blameless institution! We all know I had this coming!” (Those were his final words, we swear. We promise we did not intentionally misquote him. That’s what he said. Verbatim. No, really. Why would we make that up? It’s written here in this press release, so it must be true.)

Steven Norris has been imprisoned indefinitely in Juniperview University Correctional Facility (affectionately referred to by students as The Big Brig). He awaits trial for charges of Treason Against the Academic Mace.

Janis Joplin was stoned to death by an angry mob outside the dining hall. Juniperview did not sanction this execution and does not endorse the actions of the mob… but hey, what can you do?

The current whereabouts of Frederick J. Templeton are unknown.

Faculty Relieved as Juniperview University Dispenses with Pretense of Shared Governance

Guest Columnist, T.P. Zinjanthropus


At a Juniperview University faculty meeting this week, President James Barsuvius finally had enough of the glacial pace of academic committee work.

"There are just things, procedural things, that need to get done without a lot of niggling. Where I'm from we don't take kindly to niggling.  If I need a vote to go through, well, I don't have all
day."
            

 Pictured: The Academic Mace, as held aloft in the recent inauguration ceremony. The mace represents the ruling authority of the University.

Barsuvius brought a motion before the faculty to grant extensive powers to a committee of administrators to "make necessary personnel adjustments, add and delete courses to the General Education curriculum, re-organize underperforming assets, increase the presence of prayer as a health care benefit (and reduce dependence on secular medicine), and creatively re-allocate funds from employees' retirement accounts."

Barsuvius told the faculty that the chair of Juniperview's trustee board, industrial waste disposal magnate F. Lump Shornbeard, called him on the phone every day to discuss leadership issues like the vote.  "Lump calls me every day.  Sometimes I'm on the phone with my mom and the call waiting doo-hickey goes off and I know it's Lump calling, and I hit the button, and sure enough, it's Lump, alright."  Barsuvius indicated that Shornbeard usually called to see if Barsuvius was making progress on their administrative agenda.

"And you know," Barsuvius announced in the faculty meeting, "if I don't get this vote though, he's going to ask me why I can't get anything done.  And then, obviously, I'm going to take it out on you."

A few faculty protested that forcing the vote in this manner undermines the sacred principal of shared governance in higher education.  "How sad to see the faculty cave in to these strong-arm tactics.  We need to stand up and make our voices heard when administrators abuse power," remarked one faculty member who spoke from behind a clown mask on condition of anonymity and acceptance into a witness protection program.

 Most, however, were relieved.

"We are not equipped as professors to deal with complex issues," said Mindy McKitchener, assistant professor of domestic enhancement and family dynamics.  "We're just really not."

Most faculty seemed to agree.  The vote passed by a large margin, after which the faculty were dismissed to the lobby for donuts.

President Barsuvius Inaugurated as Juniperview President

by Janis Joplin

This morning, October 7, in the Juniperview Chapel, Dr. James Barsuvius was officially inaugurated as the 453rd President of Juniperview University.

Barsuvius was selected by a university search committee in June and has been easing into his Presidential duties since then. Today's ceremony was open to staff, students, alumni, and local dignitaries wishing to welcome Dr. Barsuvius to this position.

The ceremony was filled with worship music and inspiring comments from a long list of dignitaries, including two former university presidents, the Chairman of the Board of Trustees, and mega-celebrity Kirk Cameron.

The inaugural address was provided by Samuel Shepherd, the Dean of Biblical Thinking About Important Things. After numerous prayers and exhortations, along with some Scripture readings and hymns, Dr. Barsuvius came on deck and assumed his seat at the bridge. From his command chair, Dr. Barsuvius took this opportunity to publicly reminded the faculty of his new role as Chief Academic Officer.

"Keep an eye on your email inboxes for announcements regarding coming changes," said Barsuvius, "I will keep an eye on your email inboxes too."

In an unprecedented move, Dr. Barsuvius followed his remarks by inviting a local artist on stage to take part in a ceremony. Dr. Barsuvius then lowered his trousers and had the university doctrinal statement, in its entirety, tattooed on his right buttock.

"We were very happy to see that take place," said Dr. Cornrose, Vice Regent of Academic Affairs and Such, "He has left no room for doubt when it comes to his unwavering commitment to our doctrinal precepts."

Cedarville University, a Christian college in Ohio, recently began the tradition of having a newly appointed President ceremonially sign a doctrinal statement during the inauguration. Juniperview has taken things even further.

"Whatever I do while in this position of leadership, I will do it seated upon the doctrinal statement," said Dr. Barsuvius.

This marks the first time in University history that a sitting president has tattooed the doctrinal statement on his buttocks.

Pictured below: The Inauguration Proceedings

Administrator Apologizes for Poetry Reading

by Cornelius Finklestein

President James Barsuvius issued a public apology today in response to startling allegations from students and staff related to his theological and philosophical views.

The trouble began during a chapel service when Dr. Barsuvius quoted a poem by W.H. Auden.

At first, very few people noticed the problem. In fact, the words were met with a chorus of Amens. But one eagle-eyed trustee who happened to be in attendance took issue right away.

"I was shocked," said the trustee, who asked to have his name withheld, "He was talking about his wife, and how much he loved her as a help-meet. Next thing I knew, he was reading the stanza just like it was nothing."

The stanza in question:

I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street...

Once University officials realized what had happened, they formed a committee to approach the President and determine the cause of his actions.

Later that day, President Barsuvius issued a formal apology during a press conference.

"This morning in chapel, I quoted the poetry of W.H. Auden. Since then, it has been brought to my attention that Auden was a flamboyant homosexual. I had no knowledge of this at the time, but now I deeply regret my actions and publicly repent of my behavior."

Barusvius took full responsibility for his actions, but he also explained that his fascination with the poet originated with another scholar. He credits his friend and mentor Albert Mohler with introducing him to the poetry of Auden.

"For as long as I can remember, Dr. Mohler has cited Auden as his favorite poet. He's very well-read. He told me so!" said Barsuvius, "I assumed I could trust him. I didn't know any better!"

Albert Mohler is a prominent theologian, author, and current President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. Despite his credentials, evidence suggests that Mohler has quoted Auden on numerous occasions and even referred to the poet as "one of the greats," and his "favorite."

In fact, reports in Southern Baptist circles indicate that Al Mohler quoted Auden during the faculty and staff sessions at Christian university in Ohio earlier this year.

Cedarville University (which identifies itself as Uncompromisingly and Astonishingly Southern Baptist) invited Dr. Mohler to kick off the 2013-2014 academic year. Much to everyone's surprise, Mohler referenced Auden numerous times.

Dr. Barsuvius reflected on previous interactions with Mohler, saying, "Dr. Mohler once quoted Funeral Blues once in casual conversation, but the irony seemed lost on him. I mean, I know that poem is meant to be read as the perspective of particular person, but without context, what were we left with? Dr. Mohler professing his love to someone named Johnny for over five minutes!"

Dr. Mohler has not commented on the scandal, but Juniperview University wishes to assure students, staff, and alumni that they will be taking a long, hard look at their relationship with Al Mohler in the future.

"If we cannot trust him to uphold our community covenant and doctrinal statement, then it may be time for us to part ways," said Daniel Sternman, Vice Regent of Doctrinal Clarity, "We have made our positions VERY clear. We're here, we're clear, get used to it."

Trustees Commission Musical Praise to Doctrinal Statement

 Guest Writer, T.P. Zinjanthropus

The Board of Trustees of Juniperview University has commissioned award-winning composer Dr. Scott Sommershell to compose an extended musical ode in praise of the institution's doctrinal statement.  Dr. Sommershell, who also serves as Juniperview's Dean of Program Disintegration, outlined his plans for the piece.

"It will be impressive.  Like the music from Call of Duty, only better, louder.  It will be orchestra and choir, drums, so many drums, and just a wall of sound.  Like a line of battle tanks bearing down on you, only just this is the tanks of doctrine."

Trustee Flut Butterson, commenting after a national pastors' luncheon, agreed. "Movies get that extra oomph from a great music soundtrack.  This thing will give us that oomph in our doctrine.  We need that!  Each time we sign it, recite it, talk about it, we'll be thinking, you know, bahm, bah-bah-bah baaaahhhm," remarked Butterson between mouthfuls of barbeque.

Sommershell's project includes theatrical elements. 

"We'll need to design a flag. We have that huge American flag, but we need a bigger flag, a doctrine flag.  We're loyal to America but even more loyal to the doctrinal statement. So we plan to make a great big flag and have it come unrolling from the ceiling right at the end of my piece," he said, growing animated. "And that's when I want everyone to stand up and do that ceiling hands thing the kids do. Then we want our ROTC boys to present arms, and all the faculty will salute the new flag with a special salute. I will conduct the whole thing from way up high on a platform." 

The newly-formed School of Domestic Prosperity, Family Relations, and Culinary Arts has been assigned the task of creating the flag. 

The debut performance is scheduled for Good Friday in 2014.

Raid Uncovers Large Amounts of Contraband

by Janis Joplin

More than 30 campus safety officers from Juniperview University and participating agencies descended on campus early Thursday morning to serve 11 search warrants following an eight-month undercover investigation targeting the unlicensed possession of contraband materials.

 

The investigation (initially launched by the Division of Alcohol, Theology, and Firearms) uncovered massive amounts of unauthorized philosophy books, irregular Bible translations, and DVDs of PG and PG-13 rated movies.

 

Campus authorities say there was over 320 kilos of raw product, 50 kilos of which were ready for distribution. 

 

"Among the items, we seized 27 kilos of Kierkegaard and 13 bales of Rob Bell. 160,000 pocket editions of the NIV were prepped for delivery. We suspect the product was being stored for later dissemination throughout the region," said Officer Coppertop.

 

The investigation, named Operation Bad Apple, involved members of the Juniperview ATF, the North Indiana Theological Trafficking Program, and the Tri-County King James Task Force. Detective John Clandestine headed up the investigation.

 

"These materials are marketed to our youth and young adults," said Clandestine. "Young people become the target of suppliers who intentionally market these books and DVDs through slick and gimmicky packaging. Those young people who unwittingly experiment with these types of products often find themselves ending up in a bad place, sometimes even congregations that are not Southern Baptist."

 

Investigators said they executed the search warrants in dorms, offices, and common areas all over campus. Investigators also conducted searches of several private homes near campus as well as  storage units in surrounding counties where students were allegedly gathering to share contraband materials.

 

Campus officials said they have charged six people with violation of campus racketeering rules, the sale of controlled translations, delivery of philosophy paraphernalia, and viewing PG movies without a parent or guardian present. Conviction on these charges could result in sentences of up to 60 years of after-school detention.

 

In all, 17 people have been taken into custody. Most shocking of all, 2 Bible faculty were involved in the sting.

 

"We discovered that a couple of Bible professors had encouraged students to read books that fell outside the bounds of our approved reading material," said President Barsuvius, "Those professors were terminated immediately... and they lost their jobs too."

 

Campus police also uncovered a quantity of methamphetamine, but it was not considered to be the primary threat.

 

University Saves Money, Lowers Cost

by Janis Joplin

In order to cut costs and increase efficiency, President James Barsuvius has announced numerous mergers and reductions for departments across the board.

The School of Biblical Studies will now be named The School for Biblical Studies and Janitorial Ministries. In addition to their teaching duties, faculty in the Bible Department will be responsible for cleaning offices, maintaining public areas (such as lobbies and hallways), and ordering cleaning supplies.

"As university professors, we find ourselves wrestling with many profound questions," said Daniel Besties, Custodian Emeritus of Old Testament, "What is the best way to engage young people for Christ? Is our academic program rigorous enough? What is the best way to clean a desk top without damaging the finish? Where are the trash bags stored? It really is a lot to think about."

Big changes were also announced for the newly named School for Engineering, Nursing, and Catering. Effective this week, faculty and staff of ENC are now responsible for buying groceries, preparing meals, and overseeing the operation of the campus dining hall.

"Those engineers can build one sturdy sandwich!" proclaimed one satisfied customer.

Few departments were untouched by the sweeping changes of the new administration. Some departments adapted to the changes more quickly than the others. Regarding Campus Safety's recent takeover of the Department of English, Literature, and Modern Languages, Henry David Rambo had this to say:

"At first, it was a little difficult to balance academic work and our regular patrols, but we managed. Some students have complained about the new location for Composition classes, but they will get used to the firing range in no time. On the bright side, our Creative Writing Course has turned out several solid field manuals."

These changes are not the first for Juniperview. Just weeks ago, President James Barsuvius merged the departments of Christian Ministries and Student Life and formed a new department, known as the Mega-Division of Spiritual Things.

"We had to make some tough decisions, but it is all for the sake of the Kingdom. If everyone pitches in and takes on a little more responsibility, think of the money we can save!" said Sophie Stree, Vice Regent of Public Relations and Plant Watering.

The university has also found ways to save on personnel.

"We started with more than 20 Bible professors. At last count, we are down to 3 or 4."

Juniperview Opens Title IX Investigation

By Steven Norris

Juniperview University, a Christian college in Indiana, revealed this week it is under review by the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights.

The review is in response to a complaint claiming the university is in violation of Title IX, a federal gender equity law, which requires (among other things) that colleges respond appropriately to sexual harassment and violence on campus and provide assistance for victims.

University officials responded to the complaint by pledging their full cooperation. In fact, university officials announced their plans to launch a Title IX investigation immediately.

"This complaint raises all sorts of questions for us," said President Barsuvius, "First of all, what is Title IX? How does it apply to us? Is this something Christians should be a part of? We will not stop until we have the answers we need."

Dr. Barsuvius announced plans to form an investigation committee to examine Title IX and determine what, if any, relationship it has to Juniperview University.

Julius Womper, Vice Regent of Gender Equality for Dames, has been tapped to head the committee.

"The investigation is well underway," said Womper, "We have interviewed numerous people in the area. We asked them if they had ever heard of Title IX, and what they thought it might mean. Many people were confused at first, but then we realized we had been pronouncing it incorrectly. Apparently, the name is pronounced Title NINE, not Title EYE-ECKS. There are no solid leads yet, but after interviewing numerous stakeholders and eyewitnesses, we are confident we will soon have an understanding of what has transpired."

President Barsuvius shares this confidence. He assured media representatives that he would leave no stone unturned in his investigation.

"I assure you, we are taking this very seriously. Title IX, if you can hear me, we are coming for you! We will investigate Title IX for as long as it takes."

Displaced Administrator Reflects on Career

For the first time in history, Juniperview University News is proud to share the contribution of a guest columnist! (it's ok. We checked his doctrine).

Last January, Juniperview’s "Vice President for Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday" resigned suddenly amid speculation that he might actually be a Presbyterian. A Non-Disclosure Agreement prevented Vice President Rupert Carby from disclosing the reasons for his sudden departure leading many to believe that he might have a really bad case of shingles. The Public Relations office tried to dispel these rumors of Presbyterianism and shingles, insisting that it was not a rash decision. Carby reflected pensively on a career marked my monumental conflict, epic accomplishment, and dramatic social change.

The most epic monumental dramatic issue hit Carby early in his career.

“When the first challenge arose I drew inspiration from Martin Luther, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, lots of Baptist dudes, and Sandi Patty.”

Carby reflected, “I was still wet behind the ears (referring to his baptism), but I knew that I was put in a position of male authority for such a moment as this. I knew my response would shape the church and broader fashion trends for decades.”

At the time, Juniperview required that all men wear socks with their sandals so as to avoid the appearance of evil and nail fungus. “Back then, it was also a quality thing. We wanted to be stamped all over with quality right down to our feet.”

In a move that Carby now recognizes as a mistake, he revoked the rule requiring socks with sandals. “At the time, I viewed the issue as a constitutional matter. But after I made the change our campus historian, Dr. Merle Moonstock stormed into my office and insisted that there was no constitutional right to bare feet.”

Harshest criticism for what is now known as the sandal scandal came from trustee Flut Butterson, President of East West South Seminary of Separated Systematic Dispensational BAPTIST Stuff, commented, “Only pansies wear sandals. Our preacher boys wear boots. Cowboy boots. With socks.”

Carby’s next challenge came when a group called Horse Force announced that they were planning a nationwide buggy tour that included a stop at Juniperview. Horse Force consisted of about 30 disgruntled Amish and a few Mennonites. They were upset that Juniperview refused to grant parking stickers to buggies. Campus Safety officer, Lt. Sandalpox said, “We didn’t really have a problem with it. We didn’t want anyone to get bit, and then there is the problem of horse droppings.”

Carby said, “I don’t think people are born Amish, but they also don’t just wake up one day and say, 'Hey, I think I’ll be Amish.'” He added, “Its much more complicated than that. A lot of these Amish first realized they might be Amish when they took drivers training. All the guys were talking about Camaros and all they could think about were draft horses.”

Word got out that Carby was allowing some Amish to park buggies on campus during chapel and things really got ugly when the Provost stepped in a fresh pile of dung ruining a really nice pair of wingtips.

The Chancellor got involved telling several Amish to “Keep their damn horses off the grass. Where are your values anyway.” He cooled down (since they weren’t his wingtips) and told them to have a nice Christmas and not to lose their buggy bells. He then got them to donate $47 million for a really nice stable.

Carby’s final straw came when he invited a known Democrat to campus and was heard commenting that Obama might really have been born in Hawaii. That sealed his fate.

Alumnus of the Century, Michael Slipdidian lamented Carby's sudden departure saying "I just can't get my Christian Worldview around this one. Carby was so cool. We used to take smoke breaks out among the Junipers during daily convocation. I know the times they are a changin' but I'm just tangled up in blue. I don't know where Carby will serve now but I know he's gotta serve somebody. They must as well have stoned him and everybody."

Carby’s last comment was, “Hey it was a good run. The students here are great. My colleagues in the Department of Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday were amazing. Let’s go out and do nice things and bake a few cinnamon rolls. Best wishes to Juniperview.”

University Welcomes Diversity

by Janis Joplin

Through a series of a rousing chapel messages this week, Juniperview officials reaffirmed their commitment to diversity.

"We have implemented several strategies to boost the diversity here on campus. First of all, we enrolled a big black guy named Jerome," said Vice Regent of Diversity Bubba McGraw. 

"When people look at Juniperview and ask if diversity is really one of our core values, I tell them to look at Jerome. I mean, really... look at Jerome!"

Jerome will be featured prominently on university marketing materials, including an upcoming television commercial. He will also be strategically seated at every chapel service, press conference, or speech that pertains to race.

Vice Regent McGraw could not comment on Jerome's background or personality, but was certain of his skin color.

"We are thrilled to have a new mascot. We are very fortunate to welcome an African-American student of this caliber to our school," said McGraw, "And, he isn't even one of the bad ones."

Juniperview University actively seeks to attract and serve a diverse group of Christian employees and students who exercise their spiritual calling to be agents of reconciliation; pursuing unity, peace, and community in an atmosphere that recognizes our union in Christ and celebrates the contributions of all who seek to follow Christ.

Juniperview University is currently 99.98% White and 0.02% Cherokee.

University officials expressed interest in enrolling a Mexican student at some point in the future, and perhaps "one of those Orientals." Given the history of the region, the African-American population is of particular interest.

"Given the amount of effort we've put into this endeavor, we hope to see the African-American student population grow... at least by three fifths."

President Approves Wiretapping Plan

by Cornelius Finklestein 

University President Barsuvius announced plans today to utilize wiretapping and other interception methods to monitor phones and devices used by faculty members. These new measures are intended to ensure that staff members live lifestyles in accordance with university policy.

Juniperview requires all faculty and staff to attend church faithfully. University employees may choose their church from a list of approved congregations which fully align with the University Doctrinal Statement, as clarified by the Doctrinal White Pages.

Professors submit written statements each week to verify their church attendance, but university officials have expressed concern over the lack of supervision in professors' day to day lives.

“This startling lack of oversight was a tremendous oversight on our part,” said President Barsuvius, “We recently created a committee to supervise the department in charge of supervising. The Oversight Oversight Committee will work hard to ensure that such oversights do not happen again.”

Beginning this fall, all home phones, cell phones, and personal electronic devices will be outfitted with monitoring equipment. Microphones and cameras may be installed in some offices and homes, but the university has not commented on specific locations.

“Recording phone conversations and monitoring internet usage allows us to maintain our high standards and commitment to quality,” said Gary Crow, Vice Regent of Surveillance and Reconnaissance.

“Staff may be attending the right church, but who’s to say they won’t run with the wrong crowd the rest of the week? For all we know, they could be interacting with friends and family members who are non-believers… or worse, people with different doctrinal convictions!”

These provisions for faculty are new, but students are no stranger to such supervision. Since 2011, when dial-up internet was first installed on campus, students have only been able to access the internet while physically tethered to a parent chaperone. Also, student conversations are only permitted via speakerphone in designated lobbies. For the sake of consistency, the university decided that faculty and staff should not be exempt from similar measures.

"The university really is one big family," said President Barsuvius, "Faculty should not think of us as an overbearing father. If anything, we are their Big Brother."

 

Six Million Dollar War Games Facility Approved

by Janis Joplin

Juniperview University unveiled plans today for a six million dollar construction project. The end result: a campus shooting range, academic building, and arena.

The Juniperview Sharpshooter's Association is spearheading the effort. This group of students, alumni, and staff was founded in 2009 by student organization Sigma Boom Chi Pow. The JSA meets regularly to discuss firearms, practice shooting, and control the clay pigeon population of the region. Members of the JSA also serve the university as volunteers, patrolling the campus perimeter.

"We have always wanted a shooting range on campus," said Sharpshooter Josey Wales, "One of our sister schools paved the way for such efforts! We can't wait to follow suit!"

The planned facility will contain two indoor shooting ranges, numerous classrooms, an ammunition wholesale store, and an in-house taxidermist. An outdoor arena will be constructed in conjunction with the shooting range.

"The outdoor arena will be available for students and staff who possess tanks and aircraft," said Steve Jones, founder of the Juniperview University chapter of the Abrams Tank Club. "For years, we had to perform our maneuvers off campus. The Abrams Tank Club is proud to partner with Sigma Boom Chi Pow in the creation of a state of the art facility for drills, skirmishes, and battles!"

Several individuals expressed concerns about the university's plan, including current and former students.

"I see all these elaborate plans taking shape, but I am rather alarmed at the direction we are headed," said one concerned student, "A firing range and tank arena? Must I state the obvious? What about the helipads?"

A second student agreed, "Last month, when my sister came to visit, she had to park her Blackhawk helicopter three blocks away."

The JSA expressed interest in adding helipads, but noted that this development would need to wait until a later date.

"It would be nice to have everything we want all at once, but the truth is, we really must be practical."

The Sharpshooters plan to utilize the new War Games Facility as part of a larger movement on campus. They hope to focus their efforts on education, safety, and recreational militarization. They also plan to emphasize the spiritual component of weaponry.

"We will take on the full armor of God so we can stand in the present age... and guns."

University Affirms Identity and Practice

Official Statement:

Juniperview University was founded by our forefathers as a place of Christian Higher Learning. We began as a Bible School and Seminary, a place to prepare men for ministry and preaching of the Word. Eventually, we expanded the scope of our school to incorporate the Liberal Arts. For decades, we have been known as a Christian Liberal Arts institution.

Now, we find ourselves situated in a different time. Liberalism is destroying America. We do not wish to identify with Liberal ideas in any way. Juniperview University is fully committed to conservative theology, conservative policies, and conservative values.

From this day forth, Juniperview University will be identified as a Conservative Arts institution.

Without a doubt, we will be the strongest, most academically rigorous, Conservative Arts Christian college in the Midwest. Thank you for your support.

So Relevant. So Convicting. So Juniperview.

D.L. Moody to Speak at Bible Conference

by Frederick J. Templeton

 

At long last, Juniperview University has announced the keynote speaker of the Fall Bible Conference. Several speakers will be featured, but the star attraction this year is undoubtedly the reanimated corpse of Dwight L. Moody.

 

Dr. Abe Wafflemaycher, Vice Regent of Chapel Affairs, first extended the invitation to D.L. Moody by email back in 2010, but did not get a response.

 

"We were finally able to reach him by Ouija board... which was a bit odd, in hindsight," said Wafflemaycher. "After numerous invitations using various mediums, we are excited to announce that the famed Evangelist has been booked for the Fall Bible Conference! We got Moody!"

 

D.L. Moody was an American Evangelist who preached all over the country in the late 1800s. He was selected as the main speaker of the Bible Conference to demonstrate the University's commitment to conservative theology.

 

The Missions Conference debacle of 2009 is still fresh on the minds of many students and staff. The University made headlines in newspapers across the nation after dis-inviting a speaker from the well-attended Spring event.

 

"We selected Franklin Graham to speak at the 2009 Missions Conference, but many people raised concerns about certain aspects of his ministry and theology," said Dr. Wafflemaycher.

 

A small group of alumni and donors created a website to voice their concerns about Graham and his ministry, Samaritan's Purse. An anonymous member of the concerned alumni group clarified, "We were concerned about the social justice bent evident in the actions of his organization. Franklin also chose to align his organization by name with Samaritans, rather than the chosen people of God."

 

Through blogging efforts, and several emails written in all capital letters, the alumni group created enough pressure to change the course of the University. Franklin Graham's invitation to speak was revoked and another speaker was invited in his place. Trustees, afraid of displeasing their alumni base a second time, have since been very selective about speakers who receive invitations to campus.

 

"When we began considering candidates for the Fall Bible Conference, we asked ourselves, who would best represent our University? Who paints a good picture of where we are now? Naturally, we selected an Evangelist from the 19th century!" 

 

D.L. Moody will present a sermon using the Wordless Book, a color-coded Evangelistic tool invented by Charles Spurgeon (but perfected by Moody himself in 1875). Each color in the booklet represents a foundational truth of the Gospel.

 

"Black. Red. Green... these are topics youngsters can relate to," said Wafflemaycher, "And, the Gold one is heaven... the Gold one is heaven."  

 

Horatio Spafford is scheduled to provide music for the conference. 

University to Install New Chalkboards

by Dr. Janis Joplin

In an effort to update their facilities, Juniperview University will install forty new chalkboards in classrooms all over campus.

 

This decision comes mere months after a Board meeting in which the Trustees announced their plans to modernize campus facilities. The modernization effort was well-received by professors and staff. Some classrooms and lecture halls had the same chalkboards for several years, and some rooms had no chalkboard at all.

 

"Christian colleges should be on the cutting edge, not behind the times," said Vice Regent of Campus Development Gene Knickerson, "This timely renovation project demonstrates our commitment to state-of-the-art education."

 

Under the guidance of the Trustees, Mr. Knickerson has taken the lead on numerous updates all over campus. Last fall, a pipe organ was installed in the chapel, along with newly-covered hymnals. The path along the edge of Juniper Lake was also adorned with digital, fully-programmable "No Mixed Swimming" signs.  

 

These renovations follow last year's construction of the new Bible Study Facility. Located in the center of campus, the BSF highlights the University's commitment to inerrant Truth.

 

"The Bible Study Facility shines like a beacon from the heart of campus," President Barsuvius commented. "The new facilities represent innovation and forward motion. When I see students chatting in the narthex or chilling in the Crypt of the Saints, I feel good about the future of our country."

 

The Board of Trustees expressed their excitement about the installation of the new chalkboards, saying that such changes reflect the slogan of the University:

 

So Relevant, So Convicting, So Juniperview!

 

This slogan will be engraved on the lower left-hand corner of each of the new chalkboards, along with the names of alumni donors who made the project possible.

 

Please note, a public forum has been scheduled to discuss the exciting changes happening on campus. No topic is off limits! The forum has been scheduled for next Thursday at 1:37 a.m.   

 

Bold New Direction for University!

by Rev. Cornelius Finklestein

In a stunning turn of events, the search for a new university president has come to an end! At long last, white smoke could be seen spiraling out of the chimney above the Bible Building at Juniperview University.

When former University President [name withheld for legal reasons] died in a freak wind-surfing accident, the Board of Trustees acted quickly to fill the open position.

"We found ourselves in a unique position. Our selection of the new university president would not only define our values as an institution, but also set the course for our coming years. We wanted to send a message, loud and clear," said a university spokesperson.

The selection committee began meeting last winter, narrowing down a pool of 260 possible candidates.  

"It was quite a challenge!" said Dan Boone, Chairmen of the Selection Committee, "Some of the candidates were upper-middle class white men from the Midwest, but others were Midwestern white men from the upper-middle class."

The candidates also represented a diverse body of scholarship. Utilizing an unprecedented cross-discipline approach, candidates were accepted with backgrounds in the areas of Systematic Biblical Theology, Systematic Theology and Bible, Theological Biblical Studies, Biblical and Theological Leadership, and Leadership of Theological Biblical Ministries.

After an intensive interview process, the committee selected Dr. James Barsuvius for recommendation; the Board of Trustees later confirmed the decision.

Dr. Norman Osborne, Vice Regent of Biblical Decision Making, had this to say: "Dr. Barsuvius embodies everything our institution has represented for centuries. I can think of no better person to lead the charge, onward and upward into a new era of identical practice. I have confidence that he will lead us forward, back to where we started from. We look forward to going backward together!"

Dr. Barsuvius is the author of numerous books, including:

• Baptists on the Roof
• Baptist Preaching: Tiptoe Through the Pulpits
• The Baptist View on Molecular Biology
• Baptists, Baptists, Baptists!
• Baptist Is as Baptist Does
• Bapt, Bapter, Baptist
• Woman, Go Make Me a Sandwich!

In addition to his written work, Dr. Barsuvius has spent countless hours teaching and preaching to men in church and para-church settings. He enjoys evangelism, cooking, and knife-fighting.

Trustee finds golden ticket, sees inner-workings

by Dr. Janis Joplin

It was an exciting week for one lucky Trustee.

Dr. Peter Townsend found a golden ticket, a special prize which granted him admission to the annual Trustee meeting.

Bible Department to be reduced to one professor

by Dr. Janis Joplin

Major changes expected in the Bible Department next semester. The Dean of Bible School, Dr. Walter Schrader, announced that the department will be reduced to one professor starting this fall.

Administrator acquires invisibility cloak

by Steven Norris

Dr. David Bunson, Interim President of the University, has shared an exciting development with the university family.

He has inherited a cloak of invisibility.

School of Nursing to eliminate nursing program

by Frederick J. Templeton

The Board of Trustees has convened this week to accept or reject a proposal to eliminate the nursing major from the School of Nursing.

Admin. resignation dissatisfying to all involved

by Cornelius Finklestein

Juniperview University announced this week that, after 18 years of
service, Dr. Gina Morsby will be stepping down from her position as
Vice Regent of Appalachian Relations.

Dr. Morsby's resignation came as a shock to students and staff.

All students, staff must wear coonskin caps

by Dr. Janis Joplin

Effective at the end of this month, every student and staff member at
Juniperview University will be required to wear a coonskin cap.

This measure, adopted by the Board of Trustees, is intended to provide
a basis for the outside world to identify J.U. graduates. Also, the
coonskin cap serves to mark faculty and scholars who fall within the
university mission and philosophy.

Lunch menu clarified, white papers released

by Cornelius Finklestein

Weeks of turmoil and confusion finally resolved as the administration
issues food white papers.

The university-provided lunch menu is posted each week in the dining
hall and on the Frontiersman Catering website. Students and staff
affirm the weekly menu each time they enter the dining hall. Food
items are typically listed categorically in a bullet-point fashion.