Effective at the end of this month, every student and staff member at
Juniperview University will be required to wear a coonskin cap.
This measure, adopted by the Board of Trustees, is intended to provide
a basis for the outside world to identify J.U. graduates. Also, the
coonskin cap serves to mark faculty and scholars who fall within the
university mission and philosophy.
"Much like a team jersey or logo, our university family will be
unified in appearance," said Cletus McCoy, Vice Regent of Fashion
Relations. "We want our students to stand out. When outsiders see an
authentic, Davy Crockett-style coonskin cap on one of our students,
they will immediately recognize, 'Oh, he's one of those.'"
Some students expressed frustration over the new policy, saying the
wearing of a coonskin cap did not capture their true character, but
rather branded them in a false light.
"I don't want to be categorized as just another coonskin cap," said
student Nathan Hillian. "Just because the university feels I should be
identified as such, it does not mean that I should have to wear the
stupid hat."
McCoy acknowledged the tension on campus, but pointed out that much of
the dissension would not be evident to casual observers.
"Some students may not feel comfortable in the coonskin, and it may
not fully capture their character. But, jeepers! We will all look
good!" said McCoy, flipping his striped hat-tail in the air for
emphasis.
A representative of the Board of Trustees responded to student
concerns in a written statement.
"It is the goal of Juniperview University to turn out a certain type
of graduate. This uniformity is assured by such measures. Besides,
policymakers do not have to involve attendees in the decision-making
process."
The administration went on to say that students who disagreed with the
policy were welcome to leave, although it is safe to say they probably
won't do anything about it anyway.
