In 2014, Juniperview University made the righteous and honorable decision to leave the internet.
Our institution's presence on the internet had been going well at first. Our articles were getting page views around the globe, and we even received some correspondence through the computer, in the form of electronic mail! Did you know there is no postage required when sending a letter via computer?
Unfortunately, in late 2014, it all came crashing down. We flew too close to the sun.
An anonymous miscreant forwarded us a vile and offensive digital image... something the young people apparently refer to as a "meme." I will spare you the lurid details, so not to corrupt our delicate readership, but suffice it to say, the "meme" in question contained a picture of a cat with enormous testicles.
Our administration was rocked. We had been under the impression that we had taken appropriate measures to protect our students and staff from the smutty parts of the internet. Somehow, something got through.
Needless to say, we unplugged all of our computers immediately and have not returned to the internet since. (I'd like to thank all of our readers who have stayed up to date on Juniperview University through our Telegraph Update Service, which seems to be holding steady at a record 13 members!).
Despite the inherent danger, recent events have coaxed us out of internet-hiding.
Early this morning, Juniperview faculty and staff gathered around the Purging Trash Barrel of Righteousness to burn the latest issue of Christianity Today, as is our morning custom. As we were shoveling this, and various publications, into the flames, one of our staff members accidentally noticed the following headline: Whatever is Pure, Cedarville Requires Professors to Apply Philippians 4:8 (click here to read the story).
Unable to contain his excitement, the staff member proceeded to read this article aloud to all of us around the trash barrel, complementing Cedarville University on their attempt to follow the Scripture more faithfully.
(This staff member was promptly fired for talking out of turn).
Cedarville University, your recent actions have caught our eye, and we cannot remain silent. You have drawn us out of internet-retirement.
From your comments in the article, it seems you believe your policy to be helpful. That's cute.
Granted, you have taken some small, tiny, barely noticeable baby steps in the right direction. Inadequate though they are, we will honor your efforts by sharing some of our policies with you. Perhaps you'll draw some inspiration from our time-tested, mother-approved approach as you continue on your journey. We're praying for you Cedarville... or, at least, praying about you.
At Juniperview University, we have also issued sweeping policy changes based on Phil. 4:8. Effective as of 2015, each of our students is required to wear a Philippians 4:8 Viewing Apparatus at all times.
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| The Philippians 4:8 Viewing Apparatus |
Now, professors find it much easier to teach. Education is simply a matter of fitting all of the course content into a 12" by 12" box. Long gone are the troublesome distractions that used to plague our students.
The Viewing Apparatus, or the "Truth Tunnel" as our students call it, has also equipped us to block out harmful influences. Just last week, one of our students ventured into a Speedway gas station to purchase some Mike & Ikes while wearing the apparatus. During their visit, they did not see a single alcoholic beverage!
And the other customers noticed our student's commitment to righteousness, even from outside the Juniperview bubble. A pagan customer in the gas station saw our student and yelled out, "What a tool!" This is exactly what we are striving for... to be tools for the Lord's use!
Our new policy is also a hit among our parents.
"I can't always be there to shield Billy from harm," said one Mommy. "I sleep much easier at night knowing that my little college boy is being protected from the rotten influences of this world."
Juniperview University has also implemented a brand new Music Policy. Here is the diagram.
Here is a photograph of our new Internet Usage Policy in action.
Cedarville, we commend you for your effort, but we also must admonish you. You simply have not gone far enough. Please consider amending your sparse and undefined Philippians 4:8 policy to more closely resemble our efforts.
In times like these, we must remember that the world is watching. We must be careful not to appear too relevant.
