From the Office of President James Barsuvius, PhD MDiv MBA SAT SOB
Greetings,
This is President Barsuvius speaking.
I am aware that the Juniperview News blog website portal device has been dormant for quite some time. Today, I break the silence to make a very important announcement.
You may recall the big changes that took place several months ago when we terminated our entire news staff in order to... go a different direction. Since then, someone has been posting news stories while calling himself "The Commander."
It is time to come clean. I have a shocking confession to make, one that none of you could have ever seen coming.
I am the Commander.
That's right, I have assumed full control of the news that goes out about Juniperview University.
What's that? You think it is odd for a university president to take such a firm lead when it comes to public relations?
Well, I don't think so. I am simply emulating my friends over at Cedarville University in Ohio.
This week, administrators (including the University President) stepped in to confiscate copies of an independent student publication. Apparently a group of students, with no adult supervision, created their own student newspaper. They printed this publication on the interweb machines all over campus and distributed written copies (presumably from a secret, hidden printing press) outside the university chapel.
(Hey Janis... I think you still work here. My secretary is out this week, but as you proofread this article, can you make sure you delete the link to this story from the final edition? I would hate for that to get wide release! Thanks, sweetheart!)
If you have any doubt about Cedarville's actions in removing this rogue student newspaper, click on this link to visit the online version of the publication. Click the link to read the type of nonsense that was being spread on his campus.
I mean, seriously... look at this stuff. In fact, everyone reading this: why don't you take this link and share it with ten or twenty of your closest friends? That way, we can warn people about the dangers of this type of free thinking. We would not want this material to reach a wide audience, so please, pass this link on so people know to steer clear!
I have been inspired by the bold leadership of Cedarville University. I have been so inspired, in fact, that I have broken my internet silence to tell the world that I am the Commander of News at Juniperview University.
As University President and Commander of News, it is my job to keep a stranglehold on the truth. I must protect the truth by any means necessary. I must be ready to lay the smackdown on any outside viewpoints that try to encroach upon the minds of our students.
New idea? Roundhouse kick that thing in the face!
Dissenting viewpoint? Karate chop that bad boy into submission!
Varying theological interpretations? Pin them to the ground and make them squeal like a piggy!
It is time to open up a can of whoop-ass on diversity of thought. If nobody else will do it, then I will do it myself. With the single-mindedness of a charging bull, I will seek and destroy anything that doesn't jive with the Juniperview approach.
If all the plates can't match, I would rather just destroy the China shop.
In situations like this, weak-minded simpletons and pagan liberals may be tempted to side with the rogue student newspaper. These degenerates may suggest that Cedarville university was wrong to confiscate the newspapers, or that they should not have attempted to silence the voices of students on campus.
Some people may speak to this rogue student newspaper and tell them to keep on going! They may tell the so-called Ventriloquist that they should continue printing their paper, or that they should continue to provide a platform for voices that deviate from the University-approved talking points. Back-sliding hypocrites may even contact the writers of the underground newspaper and give them a word of encouragement. They may tell the publishers to get creative, to keep publishing online, and to seek new locations off-campus to distribute their paper.
The audacity of these words!
I pledge to you, as President of this institution, and as the new Commanding Officer of News, that words like those will never appear in print on our site. Never. Not even once.
The beauty of one-sided truth is that everyone has to fall on one side or the other. It is time to pick sides. I invite you to walk with me in the truth.
You can be on the side of Juniperview University. Or, you can be on the wrong side.
Until next time...
So bold. So brash. So Juniperview.
Juniperview to Terminated Employees: "You're Welcome!"
by The Commander
This week, President Barsuvius revealed an unfolding plan to increase the influence of the university all over the country.
In a crowded press conference, Barsuvius took the stage to unveil the details of one of the most elaborate viral marketing campaigns ever conceived, a campaign that has been almost two years in the making.
The complex and unprecedented plan involves terminating talented employees from Juniperview University in order to free them up for service elsewhere.
"In the past year, there has been an unstoppable flood of talented people flowing out of Juniperview University. Along with my colleagues on the Board of Trustees, I have been responsible for dozens of terminations, forced resignations, and departures by alienation. In fact, we have sent more people away in the past year than we have welcomed in!"
Trustee Flut Butterson agreed, "If it were not for us, many of these professors and administrators would still be here. Now, they are serving in various capacities all over the world. Think of the influence these people are having!"
According to University officials, this has been the plan from the beginning.
"When you step back and think of the amount of raw talent we unleashed on the world, it is pretty staggering. Just think of all the people who are able to say, 'I used to be at Juniperview!' "
Ex-Juniperview employees have gone on to create organizations, head up bold initiatives, and build innovative ministries. They have gone on to write prolific works and teach in prestigious institutions. They have taken leadership roles at premier institutions. They have relocated to new cities to pursue their passions. They have dreamt big dreams and given of themselves sacrificially for the betterment of others. They have cared for their families. They have risen to face every challenge. And the respect and admiration their friends and peers hold for them has only grown exponentially.
"Can Juniperview take credit for their great success?" asked President Barsuvius, "Well... yes. I like to think so."
President Barsuvius had comforting words for employees who had been terminated or forced to resign.
"You're welcome!" he said, "Just think about how things would be if you were still employed at Juniperview."
Outside observers noticed patterns of increasing staff departure many months ago, but few were able to understand the true purpose behind these happenings. Many alumni noticed the change when Barsuvius became the new University president, but few realized how far back the preparations and planning for this staff exodus can be traced.
Of course, it is important to note that President Barsuvius took an active role in disseminating Juniperview talent all over the planet.
"I have always said, the first thing a person should do upon stepping into leadership at an established institution is to shake the tree. That is the best way to see who will fall out and who will stay."
President Barsuvius pointed to the bonsai tree on his desk, which he keeps as a reminder of the basis of his leadership.
"When I took this office, I shook the tree as hard as I could. And what fell out? Fruit."
This week, President Barsuvius revealed an unfolding plan to increase the influence of the university all over the country.
In a crowded press conference, Barsuvius took the stage to unveil the details of one of the most elaborate viral marketing campaigns ever conceived, a campaign that has been almost two years in the making.
The complex and unprecedented plan involves terminating talented employees from Juniperview University in order to free them up for service elsewhere.
"In the past year, there has been an unstoppable flood of talented people flowing out of Juniperview University. Along with my colleagues on the Board of Trustees, I have been responsible for dozens of terminations, forced resignations, and departures by alienation. In fact, we have sent more people away in the past year than we have welcomed in!"
Trustee Flut Butterson agreed, "If it were not for us, many of these professors and administrators would still be here. Now, they are serving in various capacities all over the world. Think of the influence these people are having!"
According to University officials, this has been the plan from the beginning.
"When you step back and think of the amount of raw talent we unleashed on the world, it is pretty staggering. Just think of all the people who are able to say, 'I used to be at Juniperview!' "
Ex-Juniperview employees have gone on to create organizations, head up bold initiatives, and build innovative ministries. They have gone on to write prolific works and teach in prestigious institutions. They have taken leadership roles at premier institutions. They have relocated to new cities to pursue their passions. They have dreamt big dreams and given of themselves sacrificially for the betterment of others. They have cared for their families. They have risen to face every challenge. And the respect and admiration their friends and peers hold for them has only grown exponentially.
"Can Juniperview take credit for their great success?" asked President Barsuvius, "Well... yes. I like to think so."
President Barsuvius had comforting words for employees who had been terminated or forced to resign.
"You're welcome!" he said, "Just think about how things would be if you were still employed at Juniperview."
Outside observers noticed patterns of increasing staff departure many months ago, but few were able to understand the true purpose behind these happenings. Many alumni noticed the change when Barsuvius became the new University president, but few realized how far back the preparations and planning for this staff exodus can be traced.
Of course, it is important to note that President Barsuvius took an active role in disseminating Juniperview talent all over the planet.
"I have always said, the first thing a person should do upon stepping into leadership at an established institution is to shake the tree. That is the best way to see who will fall out and who will stay."
President Barsuvius pointed to the bonsai tree on his desk, which he keeps as a reminder of the basis of his leadership.
"When I took this office, I shook the tree as hard as I could. And what fell out? Fruit."
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