Juniperview University announced an updated faculty dress code today, designed to improve the safety of students and staff. All faculty will now wear a six shooter on each hip.
University President James Barsuvius made the announcement from his pulpit Sunday morning during campus church.
"We will be issuing brand-new hip holsters to all faculty," said President Barsuvius. "Our faith is under attack day by day, and it is time to take a stand. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a Bible professor with a gun."
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| New Faculty Dress Code |
Cedarville University (click here to see story) made headlines again this morning, for their decision to consider the possibility of becoming the first college in Ohio to allow concealed carry on campus. Cedarville follows in the footsteps of Liberty University, a college in Virginia where concealed carry is permissible for all students and staff.
Juniperview has taken an even stronger position. Rather than having concealed guns in the classroom, all faculty firearms will be out in the open for all to see.
"What is the sense in concealing a gun?" asked one student. "Part of being a man is protecting our women and children. And we're really good at manhood here. Seriously. If the gun is hidden from view, how will the evil-doers know how big our manhood is?"
Many students already feel safer due to the recent change.
"When armed terrorists burst into our classroom, I am so relieved to know that my seventy-five year old Hermeneutics professor is on the scene," said Daniel Plainview, sophomore student of Applied Forensic Theology. "It is a great comfort to know that famed lecturer and author of Systematic Theology in the Age of the Kardashians Barton K. Fleming will be locked and loaded for our protection."
No other college in the area currently allows firearms on campus. Juniperview's actions have raised some questions in the academic community, but the university president is not afraid to take a little heat for packing heat.
"There's nothing unusual about this at all," said President Barsuvius. "It is our aim to create an environment where young people can follow Jesus, love their neighbor, and bust a cap in the unrighteous. It's as simple as that."
Guns have always been present on Juniperview's campus. Most students and staff already carry firearms on a daily basis, but with the new holsters, faculty will be better equipped to protect students from heresy, liberalism, and other threats.
Fred Bolt, Vice President of Student Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, is looking forward to a decrease in campus homicides.
"I'm happy to see our university moving in this direction. To maintain an institution of this caliber, we must remain competitive," said Bolt. "As moms and dads are choosing colleges for their boys and girls, what type of school do you think they will pick? One of these snowflake, liberal slaughterhouses? Or a school where their kid has a fighting chance?"
In addition to overseeing five of the nine campus shooting ranges, Bolt is also the Faculty Advisor for the Juniperview gun club, "The Old Rugged Cross-Hairs."
Bible Professor J. P. Morgan Earp praised the decision, saying, "It's right there in Scripture! Blessed are the Peacemakers... which is why I always carry my Colt, single-action Peacemaker."
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| Blessed are you, Peacemaker |
During the most recent town hall meeting, Student Benjamin Button, majoring in Firearm Studies, had this to say: "My first question is for all those who would do us harm. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?"
What does JU say to those who question the presence of firearms in an academic setting? Professor Earp has the answer to this question.
"This classroom ain't big enough for the both of us."
