by Janis Joplin
In order to cut costs and increase efficiency, President James Barsuvius has announced numerous mergers and reductions for departments across the board.
The School of Biblical Studies will now be named The School for Biblical Studies and Janitorial Ministries. In addition to their teaching duties, faculty in the Bible Department will be responsible for cleaning offices, maintaining public areas (such as lobbies and hallways), and ordering cleaning supplies.
"As university professors, we find ourselves wrestling with many profound questions," said Daniel Besties, Custodian Emeritus of Old Testament, "What is the best way to engage young people for Christ? Is our academic program rigorous enough? What is the best way to clean a desk top without damaging the finish? Where are the trash bags stored? It really is a lot to think about."
Big changes were also announced for the newly named School for Engineering, Nursing, and Catering. Effective this week, faculty and staff of ENC are now responsible for buying groceries, preparing meals, and overseeing the operation of the campus dining hall.
"Those engineers can build one sturdy sandwich!" proclaimed one satisfied customer.
Few departments were untouched by the sweeping changes of the new administration. Some departments adapted to the changes more quickly than the others. Regarding Campus Safety's recent takeover of the Department of English, Literature, and Modern Languages, Henry David Rambo had this to say:
"At first, it was a little difficult to balance academic work and our regular patrols, but we managed. Some students have complained about the new location for Composition classes, but they will get used to the firing range in no time. On the bright side, our Creative Writing Course has turned out several solid field manuals."
These changes are not the first for Juniperview. Just weeks ago, President James Barsuvius merged the departments of Christian Ministries and Student Life and formed a new department, known as the Mega-Division of Spiritual Things.
"We had to make some tough decisions, but it is all for the sake of the Kingdom. If everyone pitches in and takes on a little more responsibility, think of the money we can save!" said Sophie Stree, Vice Regent of Public Relations and Plant Watering.
The university has also found ways to save on personnel.
"We started with more than 20 Bible professors. At last count, we are down to 3 or 4."
Juniperview Opens Title IX Investigation
By Steven Norris
Juniperview University, a Christian college in Indiana, revealed this week it is under review by the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights.
The review is in response to a complaint claiming the university is in violation of Title IX, a federal gender equity law, which requires (among other things) that colleges respond appropriately to sexual harassment and violence on campus and provide assistance for victims.
University officials responded to the complaint by pledging their full cooperation. In fact, university officials announced their plans to launch a Title IX investigation immediately.
"This complaint raises all sorts of questions for us," said President Barsuvius, "First of all, what is Title IX? How does it apply to us? Is this something Christians should be a part of? We will not stop until we have the answers we need."
Dr. Barsuvius announced plans to form an investigation committee to examine Title IX and determine what, if any, relationship it has to Juniperview University.
Julius Womper, Vice Regent of Gender Equality for Dames, has been tapped to head the committee.
"The investigation is well underway," said Womper, "We have interviewed numerous people in the area. We asked them if they had ever heard of Title IX, and what they thought it might mean. Many people were confused at first, but then we realized we had been pronouncing it incorrectly. Apparently, the name is pronounced Title NINE, not Title EYE-ECKS. There are no solid leads yet, but after interviewing numerous stakeholders and eyewitnesses, we are confident we will soon have an understanding of what has transpired."
President Barsuvius shares this confidence. He assured media representatives that he would leave no stone unturned in his investigation.
"I assure you, we are taking this very seriously. Title IX, if you can hear me, we are coming for you! We will investigate Title IX for as long as it takes."
Juniperview University, a Christian college in Indiana, revealed this week it is under review by the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights.
The review is in response to a complaint claiming the university is in violation of Title IX, a federal gender equity law, which requires (among other things) that colleges respond appropriately to sexual harassment and violence on campus and provide assistance for victims.
University officials responded to the complaint by pledging their full cooperation. In fact, university officials announced their plans to launch a Title IX investigation immediately.
"This complaint raises all sorts of questions for us," said President Barsuvius, "First of all, what is Title IX? How does it apply to us? Is this something Christians should be a part of? We will not stop until we have the answers we need."
Dr. Barsuvius announced plans to form an investigation committee to examine Title IX and determine what, if any, relationship it has to Juniperview University.
Julius Womper, Vice Regent of Gender Equality for Dames, has been tapped to head the committee.
"The investigation is well underway," said Womper, "We have interviewed numerous people in the area. We asked them if they had ever heard of Title IX, and what they thought it might mean. Many people were confused at first, but then we realized we had been pronouncing it incorrectly. Apparently, the name is pronounced Title NINE, not Title EYE-ECKS. There are no solid leads yet, but after interviewing numerous stakeholders and eyewitnesses, we are confident we will soon have an understanding of what has transpired."
President Barsuvius shares this confidence. He assured media representatives that he would leave no stone unturned in his investigation.
"I assure you, we are taking this very seriously. Title IX, if you can hear me, we are coming for you! We will investigate Title IX for as long as it takes."
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