New Faculty Dress Code to Include Six Shooters


Juniperview University announced an updated faculty dress code today, designed to improve the safety of students and staff. All faculty will now wear a six shooter on each hip.

University President James Barsuvius made the announcement from his pulpit Sunday morning during campus church.

"We will be issuing brand-new hip holsters to all faculty," said President Barsuvius. "Our faith is under attack day by day, and it is time to take a stand. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a Bible professor with a gun."

New Faculty Dress Code
Juniperview University is accustomed to leading the way in cutting edge decision-making, but in this instance, JU was not as quick on the draw as other comparable schools. Juniperview is proud to join the ever-increasing number of rootin' tootin' academic institutions who have already pulled the trigger. 

Cedarville University (click here to see story) made headlines again this morning, for their decision to consider the possibility of becoming the first college in Ohio to allow concealed carry on campus. Cedarville follows in the footsteps of Liberty University, a college in Virginia where concealed carry is permissible for all students and staff.

Juniperview has taken an even stronger position. Rather than having concealed guns in the classroom, all faculty firearms will be out in the open for all to see.

"What is the sense in concealing a gun?" asked one student. "Part of being a man is protecting our women and children. And we're really good at manhood here. Seriously. If the gun is hidden from view, how will the evil-doers know how big our manhood is?"

Many students already feel safer due to the recent change.

"When armed terrorists burst into our classroom, I am so relieved to know that my seventy-five year old Hermeneutics professor is on the scene," said Daniel Plainview, sophomore student of Applied Forensic Theology. "It is a great comfort to know that famed lecturer and author of Systematic Theology in the Age of the Kardashians Barton K. Fleming will be locked and loaded for our protection." 

No other college in the area currently allows firearms on campus. Juniperview's actions have raised some questions in the academic community, but the university president is not afraid to take a little heat for packing heat.

"There's nothing unusual about this at all," said President Barsuvius. "It is our aim to create an environment where young people can follow Jesus, love their neighbor, and bust a cap in the unrighteous. It's as simple as that."

Guns have always been present on Juniperview's campus. Most students and staff already carry firearms on a daily basis, but with the new holsters, faculty will be better equipped to protect students from heresy, liberalism, and other threats.

Fred Bolt, Vice President of Student Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, is looking forward to a decrease in campus homicides.

"I'm happy to see our university moving in this direction. To maintain an institution of this caliber, we must remain competitive," said Bolt. "As moms and dads are choosing colleges for their boys and girls, what type of school do you think they will pick? One of these snowflake, liberal slaughterhouses? Or a school where their kid has a fighting chance?"   

In addition to overseeing five of the nine campus shooting ranges, Bolt is also the Faculty Advisor for the Juniperview gun club, "The Old Rugged Cross-Hairs."

Bible Professor J. P. Morgan Earp praised the decision, saying, "It's right there in Scripture! Blessed are the Peacemakers... which is why I always carry my Colt, single-action Peacemaker."
Blessed are you, Peacemaker
Several town-hall style meetings were held on campus in the weeks leading up to the announcement, to give students and staff a chance to get used to the new policy. Administrators, faculty, and trustees were on hand to ignore questions. 

During the most recent town hall meeting, Student Benjamin Button, majoring in Firearm Studies, had this to say: "My first question is for all those who would do us harm. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?"

What does JU say to those who question the presence of firearms in an academic setting? Professor Earp has the answer to this question.

"This classroom ain't big enough for the both of us."

Cedarville University Has Not Gone Far Enough

In 2014, Juniperview University made the righteous and honorable decision to leave the internet.

Our institution's presence on the internet had been going well at first. Our articles were getting page views around the globe, and we even received some correspondence through the computer, in the form of electronic mail! Did you know there is no postage required when sending a letter via computer?

Unfortunately, in late 2014, it all came crashing down. We flew too close to the sun.

An anonymous miscreant forwarded us a vile and offensive digital image... something the young people apparently refer to as a "meme." I will spare you the lurid details, so not to corrupt our delicate readership, but suffice it to say, the "meme" in question contained a picture of a cat with enormous testicles. 

Our administration was rocked. We had been under the impression that we had taken appropriate measures to protect our students and staff from the smutty parts of the internet. Somehow, something got through.

Needless to say, we unplugged all of our computers immediately and have not returned to the internet since. (I'd like to thank all of our readers who have stayed up to date on Juniperview University through our Telegraph Update Service, which seems to be holding steady at a record 13 members!).

Despite the inherent danger, recent events have coaxed us out of internet-hiding.

Early this morning, Juniperview faculty and staff gathered around the Purging Trash Barrel of Righteousness to burn the latest issue of Christianity Today, as is our morning custom. As we were shoveling this, and various publications, into the flames, one of our staff members accidentally noticed the following headline: Whatever is Pure, Cedarville Requires Professors to Apply Philippians 4:8 (click here to read the story).

Unable to contain his excitement, the staff member proceeded to read this article aloud to all of us around the trash barrel, complementing Cedarville University on their attempt to follow the Scripture more faithfully.

(This staff member was promptly fired for talking out of turn).

Cedarville University, your recent actions have caught our eye, and we cannot remain silent. You have drawn us out of internet-retirement.

From your comments in the article, it seems you believe your policy to be helpful. That's cute.

Granted, you have taken some small, tiny, barely noticeable baby steps in the right direction. Inadequate though they are, we will honor your efforts by sharing some of our policies with you. Perhaps you'll draw some inspiration from our time-tested, mother-approved approach as you continue on your journey. We're praying for you Cedarville... or, at least, praying about you.

At Juniperview University, we have also issued sweeping policy changes based on Phil. 4:8. Effective as of 2015, each of our students is required to wear a Philippians 4:8 Viewing Apparatus at all times.
The Philippians 4:8 Viewing Apparatus
Because of the physical equipment involved, our Philippians 4:8 policy could be instituted as part of our dress code.

Now, professors find it much easier to teach. Education is simply a matter of fitting all of the course content into a 12" by 12" box. Long gone are the troublesome distractions that used to plague our students.

The Viewing Apparatus, or the "Truth Tunnel" as our students call it, has also equipped us to block out harmful influences. Just last week, one of our students ventured into a Speedway gas station to purchase some Mike & Ikes while wearing the apparatus. During their visit, they did not see a single alcoholic beverage!

And the other customers noticed our student's commitment to righteousness, even from outside the Juniperview bubble. A pagan customer in the gas station saw our student and yelled out, "What a tool!" This is exactly what we are striving for... to be tools for the Lord's use!

Our new policy is also a hit among our parents.


"I can't always be there to shield Billy from harm," said one Mommy. "I sleep much easier at night knowing that my little college boy is being protected from the rotten influences of this world."

Juniperview University has also implemented a brand new Music Policy. Here is the diagram.

In spite of our past interactions with the internet, and the lurking menace known as "the meme," we have gradually reintroduced internet access on our campus. Select students are permitted to view one internet per day, in the presence of a trained adult chaperone.

Here is a photograph of our new Internet Usage Policy in action.


Cedarville, we commend you for your effort, but we also must admonish you. You simply have not gone far enough. Please consider amending your sparse and undefined Philippians 4:8 policy to more closely resemble our efforts.

In times like these, we must remember that the world is watching. We must be careful not to appear too relevant.

Juniperview University

Juniperview University