Faculty Relieved as Juniperview University Dispenses with Pretense of Shared Governance

Guest Columnist, T.P. Zinjanthropus


At a Juniperview University faculty meeting this week, President James Barsuvius finally had enough of the glacial pace of academic committee work.

"There are just things, procedural things, that need to get done without a lot of niggling. Where I'm from we don't take kindly to niggling.  If I need a vote to go through, well, I don't have all
day."
            

 Pictured: The Academic Mace, as held aloft in the recent inauguration ceremony. The mace represents the ruling authority of the University.

Barsuvius brought a motion before the faculty to grant extensive powers to a committee of administrators to "make necessary personnel adjustments, add and delete courses to the General Education curriculum, re-organize underperforming assets, increase the presence of prayer as a health care benefit (and reduce dependence on secular medicine), and creatively re-allocate funds from employees' retirement accounts."

Barsuvius told the faculty that the chair of Juniperview's trustee board, industrial waste disposal magnate F. Lump Shornbeard, called him on the phone every day to discuss leadership issues like the vote.  "Lump calls me every day.  Sometimes I'm on the phone with my mom and the call waiting doo-hickey goes off and I know it's Lump calling, and I hit the button, and sure enough, it's Lump, alright."  Barsuvius indicated that Shornbeard usually called to see if Barsuvius was making progress on their administrative agenda.

"And you know," Barsuvius announced in the faculty meeting, "if I don't get this vote though, he's going to ask me why I can't get anything done.  And then, obviously, I'm going to take it out on you."

A few faculty protested that forcing the vote in this manner undermines the sacred principal of shared governance in higher education.  "How sad to see the faculty cave in to these strong-arm tactics.  We need to stand up and make our voices heard when administrators abuse power," remarked one faculty member who spoke from behind a clown mask on condition of anonymity and acceptance into a witness protection program.

 Most, however, were relieved.

"We are not equipped as professors to deal with complex issues," said Mindy McKitchener, assistant professor of domestic enhancement and family dynamics.  "We're just really not."

Most faculty seemed to agree.  The vote passed by a large margin, after which the faculty were dismissed to the lobby for donuts.

President Barsuvius Inaugurated as Juniperview President

by Janis Joplin

This morning, October 7, in the Juniperview Chapel, Dr. James Barsuvius was officially inaugurated as the 453rd President of Juniperview University.

Barsuvius was selected by a university search committee in June and has been easing into his Presidential duties since then. Today's ceremony was open to staff, students, alumni, and local dignitaries wishing to welcome Dr. Barsuvius to this position.

The ceremony was filled with worship music and inspiring comments from a long list of dignitaries, including two former university presidents, the Chairman of the Board of Trustees, and mega-celebrity Kirk Cameron.

The inaugural address was provided by Samuel Shepherd, the Dean of Biblical Thinking About Important Things. After numerous prayers and exhortations, along with some Scripture readings and hymns, Dr. Barsuvius came on deck and assumed his seat at the bridge. From his command chair, Dr. Barsuvius took this opportunity to publicly reminded the faculty of his new role as Chief Academic Officer.

"Keep an eye on your email inboxes for announcements regarding coming changes," said Barsuvius, "I will keep an eye on your email inboxes too."

In an unprecedented move, Dr. Barsuvius followed his remarks by inviting a local artist on stage to take part in a ceremony. Dr. Barsuvius then lowered his trousers and had the university doctrinal statement, in its entirety, tattooed on his right buttock.

"We were very happy to see that take place," said Dr. Cornrose, Vice Regent of Academic Affairs and Such, "He has left no room for doubt when it comes to his unwavering commitment to our doctrinal precepts."

Cedarville University, a Christian college in Ohio, recently began the tradition of having a newly appointed President ceremonially sign a doctrinal statement during the inauguration. Juniperview has taken things even further.

"Whatever I do while in this position of leadership, I will do it seated upon the doctrinal statement," said Dr. Barsuvius.

This marks the first time in University history that a sitting president has tattooed the doctrinal statement on his buttocks.

Pictured below: The Inauguration Proceedings