At a Juniperview University faculty meeting this week, President James Barsuvius finally had enough of the glacial pace of academic committee work.
"There are just things, procedural things, that need to get done without a lot of niggling. Where I'm from we don't take kindly to niggling. If I need a vote to go through, well, I don't have all
day."
Pictured: The Academic Mace, as held aloft in the recent inauguration ceremony. The mace represents the ruling authority of the University. Barsuvius brought a motion before the faculty to grant extensive powers to a committee of administrators to "make necessary personnel adjustments, add and delete courses to the General Education curriculum, re-organize underperforming assets, increase the presence of prayer as a health care benefit (and reduce dependence on secular medicine), and creatively re-allocate funds from employees' retirement accounts."
Barsuvius told the faculty that the chair of Juniperview's trustee board, industrial waste disposal magnate F. Lump Shornbeard, called him on the phone every day to discuss leadership issues like the vote. "Lump calls me every day. Sometimes I'm on the phone with my mom and the call waiting doo-hickey goes off and I know it's Lump calling, and I hit the button, and sure enough, it's Lump, alright." Barsuvius indicated that Shornbeard usually called to see if Barsuvius was making progress on their administrative agenda.
"And you know," Barsuvius announced in the faculty meeting, "if I don't get this vote though, he's going to ask me why I can't get anything done. And then, obviously, I'm going to take it out on you."
A few faculty protested that forcing the vote in this manner undermines the sacred principal of shared governance in higher education. "How sad to see the faculty cave in to these strong-arm tactics. We need to stand up and make our voices heard when administrators abuse power," remarked one faculty member who spoke from behind a clown mask on condition of anonymity and acceptance into a witness protection program.
Most, however, were relieved.
"We are not equipped as professors to deal with complex issues," said Mindy McKitchener, assistant professor of domestic enhancement and family dynamics. "We're just really not."
Most faculty seemed to agree. The vote passed by a large margin, after which the faculty were dismissed to the lobby for donuts.
