Administrator Apologizes for Poetry Reading

by Cornelius Finklestein

President James Barsuvius issued a public apology today in response to startling allegations from students and staff related to his theological and philosophical views.

The trouble began during a chapel service when Dr. Barsuvius quoted a poem by W.H. Auden.

At first, very few people noticed the problem. In fact, the words were met with a chorus of Amens. But one eagle-eyed trustee who happened to be in attendance took issue right away.

"I was shocked," said the trustee, who asked to have his name withheld, "He was talking about his wife, and how much he loved her as a help-meet. Next thing I knew, he was reading the stanza just like it was nothing."

The stanza in question:

I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street...

Once University officials realized what had happened, they formed a committee to approach the President and determine the cause of his actions.

Later that day, President Barsuvius issued a formal apology during a press conference.

"This morning in chapel, I quoted the poetry of W.H. Auden. Since then, it has been brought to my attention that Auden was a flamboyant homosexual. I had no knowledge of this at the time, but now I deeply regret my actions and publicly repent of my behavior."

Barusvius took full responsibility for his actions, but he also explained that his fascination with the poet originated with another scholar. He credits his friend and mentor Albert Mohler with introducing him to the poetry of Auden.

"For as long as I can remember, Dr. Mohler has cited Auden as his favorite poet. He's very well-read. He told me so!" said Barsuvius, "I assumed I could trust him. I didn't know any better!"

Albert Mohler is a prominent theologian, author, and current President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. Despite his credentials, evidence suggests that Mohler has quoted Auden on numerous occasions and even referred to the poet as "one of the greats," and his "favorite."

In fact, reports in Southern Baptist circles indicate that Al Mohler quoted Auden during the faculty and staff sessions at Christian university in Ohio earlier this year.

Cedarville University (which identifies itself as Uncompromisingly and Astonishingly Southern Baptist) invited Dr. Mohler to kick off the 2013-2014 academic year. Much to everyone's surprise, Mohler referenced Auden numerous times.

Dr. Barsuvius reflected on previous interactions with Mohler, saying, "Dr. Mohler once quoted Funeral Blues once in casual conversation, but the irony seemed lost on him. I mean, I know that poem is meant to be read as the perspective of particular person, but without context, what were we left with? Dr. Mohler professing his love to someone named Johnny for over five minutes!"

Dr. Mohler has not commented on the scandal, but Juniperview University wishes to assure students, staff, and alumni that they will be taking a long, hard look at their relationship with Al Mohler in the future.

"If we cannot trust him to uphold our community covenant and doctrinal statement, then it may be time for us to part ways," said Daniel Sternman, Vice Regent of Doctrinal Clarity, "We have made our positions VERY clear. We're here, we're clear, get used to it."

Trustees Commission Musical Praise to Doctrinal Statement

 Guest Writer, T.P. Zinjanthropus

The Board of Trustees of Juniperview University has commissioned award-winning composer Dr. Scott Sommershell to compose an extended musical ode in praise of the institution's doctrinal statement.  Dr. Sommershell, who also serves as Juniperview's Dean of Program Disintegration, outlined his plans for the piece.

"It will be impressive.  Like the music from Call of Duty, only better, louder.  It will be orchestra and choir, drums, so many drums, and just a wall of sound.  Like a line of battle tanks bearing down on you, only just this is the tanks of doctrine."

Trustee Flut Butterson, commenting after a national pastors' luncheon, agreed. "Movies get that extra oomph from a great music soundtrack.  This thing will give us that oomph in our doctrine.  We need that!  Each time we sign it, recite it, talk about it, we'll be thinking, you know, bahm, bah-bah-bah baaaahhhm," remarked Butterson between mouthfuls of barbeque.

Sommershell's project includes theatrical elements. 

"We'll need to design a flag. We have that huge American flag, but we need a bigger flag, a doctrine flag.  We're loyal to America but even more loyal to the doctrinal statement. So we plan to make a great big flag and have it come unrolling from the ceiling right at the end of my piece," he said, growing animated. "And that's when I want everyone to stand up and do that ceiling hands thing the kids do. Then we want our ROTC boys to present arms, and all the faculty will salute the new flag with a special salute. I will conduct the whole thing from way up high on a platform." 

The newly-formed School of Domestic Prosperity, Family Relations, and Culinary Arts has been assigned the task of creating the flag. 

The debut performance is scheduled for Good Friday in 2014.

Raid Uncovers Large Amounts of Contraband

by Janis Joplin

More than 30 campus safety officers from Juniperview University and participating agencies descended on campus early Thursday morning to serve 11 search warrants following an eight-month undercover investigation targeting the unlicensed possession of contraband materials.

 

The investigation (initially launched by the Division of Alcohol, Theology, and Firearms) uncovered massive amounts of unauthorized philosophy books, irregular Bible translations, and DVDs of PG and PG-13 rated movies.

 

Campus authorities say there was over 320 kilos of raw product, 50 kilos of which were ready for distribution. 

 

"Among the items, we seized 27 kilos of Kierkegaard and 13 bales of Rob Bell. 160,000 pocket editions of the NIV were prepped for delivery. We suspect the product was being stored for later dissemination throughout the region," said Officer Coppertop.

 

The investigation, named Operation Bad Apple, involved members of the Juniperview ATF, the North Indiana Theological Trafficking Program, and the Tri-County King James Task Force. Detective John Clandestine headed up the investigation.

 

"These materials are marketed to our youth and young adults," said Clandestine. "Young people become the target of suppliers who intentionally market these books and DVDs through slick and gimmicky packaging. Those young people who unwittingly experiment with these types of products often find themselves ending up in a bad place, sometimes even congregations that are not Southern Baptist."

 

Investigators said they executed the search warrants in dorms, offices, and common areas all over campus. Investigators also conducted searches of several private homes near campus as well as  storage units in surrounding counties where students were allegedly gathering to share contraband materials.

 

Campus officials said they have charged six people with violation of campus racketeering rules, the sale of controlled translations, delivery of philosophy paraphernalia, and viewing PG movies without a parent or guardian present. Conviction on these charges could result in sentences of up to 60 years of after-school detention.

 

In all, 17 people have been taken into custody. Most shocking of all, 2 Bible faculty were involved in the sting.

 

"We discovered that a couple of Bible professors had encouraged students to read books that fell outside the bounds of our approved reading material," said President Barsuvius, "Those professors were terminated immediately... and they lost their jobs too."

 

Campus police also uncovered a quantity of methamphetamine, but it was not considered to be the primary threat.