by Cornelius Finklestein
President James Barsuvius issued a public apology today in response to startling allegations from students and staff related to his theological and philosophical views.
The trouble began during a chapel service when Dr. Barsuvius quoted a poem by W.H. Auden.
At first, very few people noticed the problem. In fact, the words were met with a chorus of Amens. But one eagle-eyed trustee who happened to be in attendance took issue right away.
"I was shocked," said the trustee, who asked to have his name withheld, "He was talking about his wife, and how much he loved her as a help-meet. Next thing I knew, he was reading the stanza just like it was nothing."
The stanza in question:
I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street...
Once University officials realized what had happened, they formed a committee to approach the President and determine the cause of his actions.
Later that day, President Barsuvius issued a formal apology during a press conference.
"This morning in chapel, I quoted the poetry of W.H. Auden. Since then, it has been brought to my attention that Auden was a flamboyant homosexual. I had no knowledge of this at the time, but now I deeply regret my actions and publicly repent of my behavior."
Barusvius took full responsibility for his actions, but he also explained that his fascination with the poet originated with another scholar. He credits his friend and mentor Albert Mohler with introducing him to the poetry of Auden.
"For as long as I can remember, Dr. Mohler has cited Auden as his favorite poet. He's very well-read. He told me so!" said Barsuvius, "I assumed I could trust him. I didn't know any better!"
Albert Mohler is a prominent theologian, author, and current President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. Despite his credentials, evidence suggests that Mohler has quoted Auden on numerous occasions and even referred to the poet as "one of the greats," and his "favorite."
In fact, reports in Southern Baptist circles indicate that Al Mohler quoted Auden during the faculty and staff sessions at Christian university in Ohio earlier this year.
Cedarville University (which identifies itself as Uncompromisingly and Astonishingly Southern Baptist) invited Dr. Mohler to kick off the 2013-2014 academic year. Much to everyone's surprise, Mohler referenced Auden numerous times.
Dr. Barsuvius reflected on previous interactions with Mohler, saying, "Dr. Mohler once quoted Funeral Blues once in casual conversation, but the irony seemed lost on him. I mean, I know that poem is meant to be read as the perspective of particular person, but without context, what were we left with? Dr. Mohler professing his love to someone named Johnny for over five minutes!"
Dr. Mohler has not commented on the scandal, but Juniperview University wishes to assure students, staff, and alumni that they will be taking a long, hard look at their relationship with Al Mohler in the future.
"If we cannot trust him to uphold our community covenant and doctrinal statement, then it may be time for us to part ways," said Daniel Sternman, Vice Regent of Doctrinal Clarity, "We have made our positions VERY clear. We're here, we're clear, get used to it."
Juniperview University
