by Dr. Janis Joplin
Major changes expected in the Bible Department next semester. The Dean of Bible School, Dr. Walter Schrader, announced that the department will be reduced to one professor starting this fall.
At Juniperview, the Bible Department has always had the largest number of faculty. This collection of sharp scholars was intended to demonstrate the centrality and importance of the Bible major.
But now, after decades of instruction, the university is taking a different approach.
"We find that a diversity of voices often contributes to the general sense of confusion and uncertainty in the classroom. We already have an approved Doctrinal Statement. All we need is someone who is able to transmit that information to students."
The university also hopes that having one lone professor will eliminate the annoying scholarly discourse and dissension that often clouds teaching at the college level.
"One professor publishes a book with one viewpoint, then a second professor publishes a book with another. Next thing you know, there are three or four different perspectives on the same issue," said Dr. Schrader. "How can we be expected to teach students the truth if we don't have a unified front?"
Of the 15 Bible professors in the department, only one can expect to keep his job next fall. There is no official word on the decision-making process to be used in choosing the professor, but there is one proposal on the table.
The Chairman of the Board of Trustees has suggested that the professors all be gathered in the chapel to engage in hand-to-hand combat.
"Really, the strongest professor should be the one to represent the university. We can lead the faculty into the chapel, lock the doors behind them, and allow them to engage in some scholarly sparring. Kind of Hunger Games style. In the end, we'd certainly know we had the strongest candidate."
This plan has not been adopted, but the Bible faculty has begun preparing nonetheless. Many have started weight-training, jogging, and studying battle strategies. Professor Emeritus Elijah Harding, who has taught at the university for 40 years, recently began practicing the art of ninja star throwing.
"One thing is for sure," said Harding, "Whether this plan is adopted or not, no professors are going to publish any works that might jeopardize their chances."
Juniperview University
