Displaced Administrator Reflects on Career

For the first time in history, Juniperview University News is proud to share the contribution of a guest columnist! (it's ok. We checked his doctrine).

Last January, Juniperview’s "Vice President for Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday" resigned suddenly amid speculation that he might actually be a Presbyterian. A Non-Disclosure Agreement prevented Vice President Rupert Carby from disclosing the reasons for his sudden departure leading many to believe that he might have a really bad case of shingles. The Public Relations office tried to dispel these rumors of Presbyterianism and shingles, insisting that it was not a rash decision. Carby reflected pensively on a career marked my monumental conflict, epic accomplishment, and dramatic social change.

The most epic monumental dramatic issue hit Carby early in his career.

“When the first challenge arose I drew inspiration from Martin Luther, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, lots of Baptist dudes, and Sandi Patty.”

Carby reflected, “I was still wet behind the ears (referring to his baptism), but I knew that I was put in a position of male authority for such a moment as this. I knew my response would shape the church and broader fashion trends for decades.”

At the time, Juniperview required that all men wear socks with their sandals so as to avoid the appearance of evil and nail fungus. “Back then, it was also a quality thing. We wanted to be stamped all over with quality right down to our feet.”

In a move that Carby now recognizes as a mistake, he revoked the rule requiring socks with sandals. “At the time, I viewed the issue as a constitutional matter. But after I made the change our campus historian, Dr. Merle Moonstock stormed into my office and insisted that there was no constitutional right to bare feet.”

Harshest criticism for what is now known as the sandal scandal came from trustee Flut Butterson, President of East West South Seminary of Separated Systematic Dispensational BAPTIST Stuff, commented, “Only pansies wear sandals. Our preacher boys wear boots. Cowboy boots. With socks.”

Carby’s next challenge came when a group called Horse Force announced that they were planning a nationwide buggy tour that included a stop at Juniperview. Horse Force consisted of about 30 disgruntled Amish and a few Mennonites. They were upset that Juniperview refused to grant parking stickers to buggies. Campus Safety officer, Lt. Sandalpox said, “We didn’t really have a problem with it. We didn’t want anyone to get bit, and then there is the problem of horse droppings.”

Carby said, “I don’t think people are born Amish, but they also don’t just wake up one day and say, 'Hey, I think I’ll be Amish.'” He added, “Its much more complicated than that. A lot of these Amish first realized they might be Amish when they took drivers training. All the guys were talking about Camaros and all they could think about were draft horses.”

Word got out that Carby was allowing some Amish to park buggies on campus during chapel and things really got ugly when the Provost stepped in a fresh pile of dung ruining a really nice pair of wingtips.

The Chancellor got involved telling several Amish to “Keep their damn horses off the grass. Where are your values anyway.” He cooled down (since they weren’t his wingtips) and told them to have a nice Christmas and not to lose their buggy bells. He then got them to donate $47 million for a really nice stable.

Carby’s final straw came when he invited a known Democrat to campus and was heard commenting that Obama might really have been born in Hawaii. That sealed his fate.

Alumnus of the Century, Michael Slipdidian lamented Carby's sudden departure saying "I just can't get my Christian Worldview around this one. Carby was so cool. We used to take smoke breaks out among the Junipers during daily convocation. I know the times they are a changin' but I'm just tangled up in blue. I don't know where Carby will serve now but I know he's gotta serve somebody. They must as well have stoned him and everybody."

Carby’s last comment was, “Hey it was a good run. The students here are great. My colleagues in the Department of Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday were amazing. Let’s go out and do nice things and bake a few cinnamon rolls. Best wishes to Juniperview.”

Juniperview University

Juniperview University