Displaced Administrator Reflects on Career

For the first time in history, Juniperview University News is proud to share the contribution of a guest columnist! (it's ok. We checked his doctrine).

Last January, Juniperview’s "Vice President for Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday" resigned suddenly amid speculation that he might actually be a Presbyterian. A Non-Disclosure Agreement prevented Vice President Rupert Carby from disclosing the reasons for his sudden departure leading many to believe that he might have a really bad case of shingles. The Public Relations office tried to dispel these rumors of Presbyterianism and shingles, insisting that it was not a rash decision. Carby reflected pensively on a career marked my monumental conflict, epic accomplishment, and dramatic social change.

The most epic monumental dramatic issue hit Carby early in his career.

“When the first challenge arose I drew inspiration from Martin Luther, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, lots of Baptist dudes, and Sandi Patty.”

Carby reflected, “I was still wet behind the ears (referring to his baptism), but I knew that I was put in a position of male authority for such a moment as this. I knew my response would shape the church and broader fashion trends for decades.”

At the time, Juniperview required that all men wear socks with their sandals so as to avoid the appearance of evil and nail fungus. “Back then, it was also a quality thing. We wanted to be stamped all over with quality right down to our feet.”

In a move that Carby now recognizes as a mistake, he revoked the rule requiring socks with sandals. “At the time, I viewed the issue as a constitutional matter. But after I made the change our campus historian, Dr. Merle Moonstock stormed into my office and insisted that there was no constitutional right to bare feet.”

Harshest criticism for what is now known as the sandal scandal came from trustee Flut Butterson, President of East West South Seminary of Separated Systematic Dispensational BAPTIST Stuff, commented, “Only pansies wear sandals. Our preacher boys wear boots. Cowboy boots. With socks.”

Carby’s next challenge came when a group called Horse Force announced that they were planning a nationwide buggy tour that included a stop at Juniperview. Horse Force consisted of about 30 disgruntled Amish and a few Mennonites. They were upset that Juniperview refused to grant parking stickers to buggies. Campus Safety officer, Lt. Sandalpox said, “We didn’t really have a problem with it. We didn’t want anyone to get bit, and then there is the problem of horse droppings.”

Carby said, “I don’t think people are born Amish, but they also don’t just wake up one day and say, 'Hey, I think I’ll be Amish.'” He added, “Its much more complicated than that. A lot of these Amish first realized they might be Amish when they took drivers training. All the guys were talking about Camaros and all they could think about were draft horses.”

Word got out that Carby was allowing some Amish to park buggies on campus during chapel and things really got ugly when the Provost stepped in a fresh pile of dung ruining a really nice pair of wingtips.

The Chancellor got involved telling several Amish to “Keep their damn horses off the grass. Where are your values anyway.” He cooled down (since they weren’t his wingtips) and told them to have a nice Christmas and not to lose their buggy bells. He then got them to donate $47 million for a really nice stable.

Carby’s final straw came when he invited a known Democrat to campus and was heard commenting that Obama might really have been born in Hawaii. That sealed his fate.

Alumnus of the Century, Michael Slipdidian lamented Carby's sudden departure saying "I just can't get my Christian Worldview around this one. Carby was so cool. We used to take smoke breaks out among the Junipers during daily convocation. I know the times they are a changin' but I'm just tangled up in blue. I don't know where Carby will serve now but I know he's gotta serve somebody. They must as well have stoned him and everybody."

Carby’s last comment was, “Hey it was a good run. The students here are great. My colleagues in the Department of Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday were amazing. Let’s go out and do nice things and bake a few cinnamon rolls. Best wishes to Juniperview.”

University Welcomes Diversity

by Janis Joplin

Through a series of a rousing chapel messages this week, Juniperview officials reaffirmed their commitment to diversity.

"We have implemented several strategies to boost the diversity here on campus. First of all, we enrolled a big black guy named Jerome," said Vice Regent of Diversity Bubba McGraw. 

"When people look at Juniperview and ask if diversity is really one of our core values, I tell them to look at Jerome. I mean, really... look at Jerome!"

Jerome will be featured prominently on university marketing materials, including an upcoming television commercial. He will also be strategically seated at every chapel service, press conference, or speech that pertains to race.

Vice Regent McGraw could not comment on Jerome's background or personality, but was certain of his skin color.

"We are thrilled to have a new mascot. We are very fortunate to welcome an African-American student of this caliber to our school," said McGraw, "And, he isn't even one of the bad ones."

Juniperview University actively seeks to attract and serve a diverse group of Christian employees and students who exercise their spiritual calling to be agents of reconciliation; pursuing unity, peace, and community in an atmosphere that recognizes our union in Christ and celebrates the contributions of all who seek to follow Christ.

Juniperview University is currently 99.98% White and 0.02% Cherokee.

University officials expressed interest in enrolling a Mexican student at some point in the future, and perhaps "one of those Orientals." Given the history of the region, the African-American population is of particular interest.

"Given the amount of effort we've put into this endeavor, we hope to see the African-American student population grow... at least by three fifths."

President Approves Wiretapping Plan

by Cornelius Finklestein 
University President Barsuvius announced plans today to utilize wiretapping and other interception methods to monitor phones and devices used by faculty members. These new measures are intended to ensure that staff members live lifestyles in accordance with university policy.
Juniperview requires all faculty and staff to attend church faithfully. University employees may choose their church from a list of approved congregations which fully align with the University Doctrinal Statement, as clarified by the Doctrinal White Pages.
Professors submit written statements each week to verify their church attendance, but university officials have expressed concern over the lack of supervision in professors' day to day lives.
“This startling lack of oversight was a tremendous oversight on our part,” said President Barsuvius, “We recently created a committee to supervise the department in charge of supervising. The Oversight Oversight Committee will work hard to ensure that such oversights do not happen again.”
Beginning this fall, all home phones, cell phones, and personal electronic devices will be outfitted with monitoring equipment. Microphones and cameras may be installed in some offices and homes, but the university has not commented on specific locations.
“Recording phone conversations and monitoring internet usage allows us to maintain our high standards and commitment to quality,” said Gary Crow, Vice Regent of Surveillance and Reconnaissance.

“Staff may be attending the right church, but who’s to say they won’t run with the wrong crowd the rest of the week? For all we know, they could be interacting with friends and family members who are non-believers… or worse, people with different doctrinal convictions!”
These provisions for faculty are new, but students are no stranger to such supervision. Since 2011, when dial-up internet was first installed on campus, students have only been able to access the internet while physically tethered to a parent chaperone. Also, student conversations are only permitted via speakerphone in designated lobbies. For the sake of consistency, the university decided that faculty and staff should not be exempt from similar measures.

"The university really is one big family," said President Barsuvius, "Faculty should not think of us as an overbearing father. If anything, we are their Big Brother."


Six Million Dollar War Games Facility Approved

by Janis Joplin

Juniperview University unveiled plans today for a six million dollar construction project. The end result: a campus shooting range, academic building, and arena.

The Juniperview Sharpshooter's Association is spearheading the effort. This group of students, alumni, and staff was founded in 2009 by student organization Sigma Boom Chi Pow. The JSA meets regularly to discuss firearms, practice shooting, and control the clay pigeon population of the region. Members of the JSA also serve the university as volunteers, patrolling the campus perimeter.

"We have always wanted a shooting range on campus," said Sharpshooter Josey Wales, "One of our sister schools paved the way for such efforts! We can't wait to follow suit!"

The planned facility will contain two indoor shooting ranges, numerous classrooms, an ammunition wholesale store, and an in-house taxidermist. An outdoor arena will be constructed in conjunction with the shooting range.

"The outdoor arena will be available for students and staff who possess tanks and aircraft," said Steve Jones, founder of the Juniperview University chapter of the Abrams Tank Club. "For years, we had to perform our maneuvers off campus. The Abrams Tank Club is proud to partner with Sigma Boom Chi Pow in the creation of a state of the art facility for drills, skirmishes, and battles!"

Several individuals expressed concerns about the university's plan, including current and former students.

"I see all these elaborate plans taking shape, but I am rather alarmed at the direction we are headed," said one concerned student, "A firing range and tank arena? Must I state the obvious? What about the helipads?"

A second student agreed, "Last month, when my sister came to visit, she had to park her Blackhawk helicopter three blocks away."

The JSA expressed interest in adding helipads, but noted that this development would need to wait until a later date.

"It would be nice to have everything we want all at once, but the truth is, we really must be practical."

The Sharpshooters plan to utilize the new War Games Facility as part of a larger movement on campus. They hope to focus their efforts on education, safety, and recreational militarization. They also plan to emphasize the spiritual component of weaponry.

"We will take on the full armor of God so we can stand in the present age... and guns."

University Affirms Identity and Practice

Official Statement:

Juniperview University was founded by our forefathers as a place of Christian Higher Learning. We began as a Bible School and Seminary, a place to prepare men for ministry and preaching of the Word. Eventually, we expanded the scope of our school to incorporate the Liberal Arts. For decades, we have been known as a Christian Liberal Arts institution.

Now, we find ourselves situated in a different time. Liberalism is destroying America. We do not wish to identify with Liberal ideas in any way. Juniperview University is fully committed to conservative theology, conservative policies, and conservative values.

From this day forth, Juniperview University will be identified as a Conservative Arts institution.

Without a doubt, we will be the strongest, most academically rigorous, Conservative Arts Christian college in the Midwest. Thank you for your support.

So Relevant. So Convicting. So Juniperview.

D.L. Moody to Speak at Bible Conference

by Frederick J. Templeton
At long last, Juniperview University has announced the keynote speaker of the Fall Bible Conference. Several speakers will be featured, but the star attraction this year is undoubtedly the reanimated corpse of Dwight L. Moody.
Dr. Abe Wafflemaycher, Vice Regent of Chapel Affairs, first extended the invitation to D.L. Moody by email back in 2010, but did not get a response.
"We were finally able to reach him by Ouija board... which was a bit odd, in hindsight," said Wafflemaycher. "After numerous invitations using various mediums, we are excited to announce that the famed Evangelist has been booked for the Fall Bible Conference! We got Moody!"
D.L. Moody was an American Evangelist who preached all over the country in the late 1800s. He was selected as the main speaker of the Bible Conference to demonstrate the University's commitment to conservative theology.
The Missions Conference debacle of 2009 is still fresh on the minds of many students and staff. The University made headlines in newspapers across the nation after dis-inviting a speaker from the well-attended Spring event.
"We selected Franklin Graham to speak at the 2009 Missions Conference, but many people raised concerns about certain aspects of his ministry and theology," said Dr. Wafflemaycher.
A small group of alumni and donors created a website to voice their concerns about Graham and his ministry, Samaritan's Purse. An anonymous member of the concerned alumni group clarified, "We were concerned about the social justice bent evident in the actions of his organization. Franklin also chose to align his organization by name with Samaritans, rather than the chosen people of God."
Through blogging efforts, and several emails written in all capital letters, the alumni group created enough pressure to change the course of the University. Franklin Graham's invitation to speak was revoked and another speaker was invited in his place. Trustees, afraid of displeasing their alumni base a second time, have since been very selective about speakers who receive invitations to campus.
"When we began considering candidates for the Fall Bible Conference, we asked ourselves, who would best represent our University? Who paints a good picture of where we are now? Naturally, we selected an Evangelist from the 19th century!" 
D.L. Moody will present a sermon using the Wordless Book, a color-coded Evangelistic tool invented by Charles Spurgeon (but perfected by Moody himself in 1875). Each color in the booklet represents a foundational truth of the Gospel.
"Black. Red. Green... these are topics youngsters can relate to," said Wafflemaycher, "And, the Gold one is heaven... the Gold one is heaven."  
Horatio Spafford is scheduled to provide music for the conference. 

University to Install New Chalkboards

by Dr. Janis Joplin

In an effort to update their facilities, Juniperview University will install forty new chalkboards in classrooms all over campus.
This decision comes mere months after a Board meeting in which the Trustees announced their plans to modernize campus facilities. The modernization effort was well-received by professors and staff. Some classrooms and lecture halls had the same chalkboards for several years, and some rooms had no chalkboard at all.
"Christian colleges should be on the cutting edge, not behind the times," said Vice Regent of Campus Development Gene Knickerson, "This timely renovation project demonstrates our commitment to state-of-the-art education."
Under the guidance of the Trustees, Mr. Knickerson has taken the lead on numerous updates all over campus. Last fall, a pipe organ was installed in the chapel, along with newly-covered hymnals. The path along the edge of Juniper Lake was also adorned with digital, fully-programmable "No Mixed Swimming" signs.  
These renovations follow last year's construction of the new Bible Study Facility. Located in the center of campus, the BSF highlights the University's commitment to inerrant Truth.
"The Bible Study Facility shines like a beacon from the heart of campus," President Barsuvius commented. "The new facilities represent innovation and forward motion. When I see students chatting in the narthex or chilling in the Crypt of the Saints, I feel good about the future of our country."
The Board of Trustees expressed their excitement about the installation of the new chalkboards, saying that such changes reflect the slogan of the University:
So Relevant, So Convicting, So Juniperview!
This slogan will be engraved on the lower left-hand corner of each of the new chalkboards, along with the names of alumni donors who made the project possible.
Please note, a public forum has been scheduled to discuss the exciting changes happening on campus. No topic is off limits! The forum has been scheduled for next Thursday at 1:37 a.m.   

Juniperview University

Juniperview University