by The Commander
Parents are breathing a sigh of relief this week after a close call on Juniperview's campus.
The trouble began earlier this month when a group of rogue students planned an unsanctioned event on campus. The event (called "Welcome to the Table") was intended to
help local students and leaders get to know people who live in the community who could benefit from immigration reform. The informal event would have included testimonies from Latino immigrants who live and work in the Juniperview area, and also a discussion on immigration reform.
Once the event had appeared on the campus calendar for several months, and had been advertised extensively, and had been announced at numerous venues, university officials caught wind of the devious dinner.
As they investigated the malevolent meal, university officials uncovered something sinister. Examination of the list of invitees revealed that the citizenship status of some of the guests... could not be verified.
The surreptitious supper was quickly canceled, and any students with
plans to attend the pernicious potluck were summarily executed.
The Vice Regent of Party Planning and Banquet Preparations, Jon Claude Van Hamme, questioned whether the recreant repast aligned with the mission of the university.
"As with any event at Juniperview, we must ask the question: would Jesus be a part of this?" clarified Van Hamme, "Eating with strangers? Of different nationalities? I don't think so!"
Dr. Barsuvius agreed. He acted quickly in hopes of shielding students from the dangerous effects of eating with people different than them.
"These vile victuals had the potential to bring down the entire university. I had to act, to protect everything we hold dear."
When news broke about the cancellation of the event, representatives of the nascent Approaches to New Godly Learning Organization were quick to congratulate Dr. Barsuvius for his actions.
In a private ceremony Tuesday, admissible by invitation only, ANGLO presented Dr. Barsuvius with a gold medal for Courage in Leadership.
While accepting his medal, Dr. Barsuvius humbly deflected the praise. He named another Midwestern
Christian university as a strong influence on his decision making.
“To be honest, we cannot take all the credit for such
vigilance. We were inspired by the precedent set by our sister school,
Cedarville University in Ohio. Students at CU had planned a similar event on their
campus this month. They were set to host a holiday banquet with people of
various nationalities… inviting them to come to the table around the issue of
immigration. Luckily, before the event could get off the ground, the President
of the University swooped in and said, ‘No way, Jose!’”
Over at Cedarville, the errant youth who had planned a
banquet with nefarious nibblers were surprised to find their room request mysteriously
canceled. When these wayward students inquired about the cause of this cancellation, word came down from the President’s office that such an event
would not be taking place on campus.
Using Cedarville’s approach as a model of Biblical
integration, Juniperview University responded on their campus with similar tactics.
Barsuvius said, “On issues like this, someone has to go
first. Someone has to pave the way. Without innovative trail-blazers to serve
as examples, who knows how we would have responded to the issue of immigration?”
