New Faculty Dress Code to Include Six Shooters

Juniperview University announced an updated faculty dress code today, designed to improve the safety of students and staff. All faculty will now wear a six shooter on each hip.

University President James Barsuvius made the announcement from his pulpit Sunday morning during campus church.

"We will be issuing brand-new hip holsters to all faculty," said President Barsuvius. "Our faith is under attack day by day, and it is time to take a stand. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a Bible professor with a gun."

New Faculty Dress Code

Juniperview University is accustomed to leading the way in cutting edge decision-making, but in this instance, JU was not as quick on the draw as other comparable schools. Juniperview is proud to join the ever-increasing number of rootin' tootin' academic institutions who have already pulled the trigger. 

Cedarville University (click here to see story) made headlines again this morning, for their decision to consider the possibility of becoming the first college in Ohio to allow concealed carry on campus. Cedarville follows in the footsteps of Liberty University, a college in Virginia where concealed carry is permissible for all students and staff.

Juniperview has taken an even stronger position. Rather than having concealed guns in the classroom, all faculty firearms will be out in the open for all to see.

"What is the sense in concealing a gun?" asked one student. "Part of being a man is protecting our women and children. And we're really good at manhood here. Seriously. If the gun is hidden from view, how will the evil-doers know how big our manhood is?"

Many students already feel safer due to the recent change.

"When armed terrorists burst into our classroom, I am so relieved to know that my seventy-five year old Hermeneutics professor is on the scene," said Daniel Plainview, sophomore student of Applied Forensic Theology. "It is a great comfort to know that famed lecturer and author of Systematic Theology in the Age of the Kardashians Barton K. Fleming will be locked and loaded for our protection." 

No other college in the area currently allows firearms on campus. Juniperview's actions have raised some questions in the academic community, but the university president is not afraid to take a little heat for packing heat.

"There's nothing unusual about this at all," said President Barsuvius. "It is our aim to create an environment where young people can follow Jesus, love their neighbor, and bust a cap in the unrighteous. It's as simple as that."

Guns have always been present on Juniperview's campus. Most students and staff already carry firearms on a daily basis, but with the new holsters, faculty will be better equipped to protect students from heresy, liberalism, and other threats.

Fred Bolt, Vice President of Student Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, is looking forward to a decrease in campus homicides.

"I'm happy to see our university moving in this direction. To maintain an institution of this caliber, we must remain competitive," said Bolt. "As moms and dads are choosing colleges for their boys and girls, what type of school do you think they will pick? One of these snowflake, liberal slaughterhouses? Or a school where their kid has a fighting chance?"   

In addition to overseeing five of the nine campus shooting ranges, Bolt is also the Faculty Advisor for the Juniperview gun club, "The Old Rugged Cross-Hairs."

Bible Professor J. P. Morgan Earp praised the decision, saying, "It's right there in Scripture! Blessed are the Peacemakers... which is why I always carry my Colt, single-action Peacemaker."

Blessed are you, Peacemaker

Several town-hall style meetings were held on campus in the weeks leading up to the announcement, to give students and staff a chance to get used to the new policy. Administrators, faculty, and trustees were on hand to ignore questions. 

During the most recent town hall meeting, Student Benjamin Button, majoring in Firearm Studies, had this to say: "My first question is for all those who would do us harm. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?"

What does JU say to those who question the presence of firearms in an academic setting? Professor Earp has the answer to this question.

"This classroom ain't big enough for the both of us."

Cedarville University Has Not Gone Far Enough

In 2014, Juniperview University made the righteous and honorable decision to leave the internet.

Our institution's presence on the internet had been going well at first. Our articles were getting page views around the globe, and we even received some correspondence through the computer, in the form of electronic mail! Did you know there is no postage required when sending a letter via computer?

Unfortunately, in late 2014, it all came crashing down. We flew too close to the sun.

An anonymous miscreant forwarded us a vile and offensive digital image... something the young people apparently refer to as a "meme." I will spare you the lurid details, so not to corrupt our delicate readership, but suffice it to say, the "meme" in question contained a picture of a cat with enormous testicles. 

Our administration was rocked. We had been under the impression that we had taken appropriate measures to protect our students and staff from the smutty parts of the internet. Somehow, something got through.

Needless to say, we unplugged all of our computers immediately and have not returned to the internet since. (I'd like to thank all of our readers who have stayed up to date on Juniperview University through our Telegraph Update Service, which seems to be holding steady at a record 13 members!).

Despite the inherent danger, recent events have coaxed us out of internet-hiding.

Early this morning, Juniperview faculty and staff gathered around the Purging Trash Barrel of Righteousness to burn the latest issue of Christianity Today, as is our morning custom. As we were shoveling this, and various publications, into the flames, one of our staff members accidentally noticed the following headline: Whatever is Pure, Cedarville Requires Professors to Apply Philippians 4:8 (click here to read the story).

Unable to contain his excitement, the staff member proceeded to read this article aloud to all of us around the trash barrel, complementing Cedarville University on their attempt to follow the Scripture more faithfully.

(This staff member was promptly fired for talking out of turn).

Cedarville University, your recent actions have caught our eye, and we cannot remain silent. You have drawn us out of internet-retirement.

From your comments in the article, it seems you believe your policy to be helpful. That's cute.

Granted, you have taken some small, tiny, barely noticeable baby steps in the right direction. Inadequate though they are, we will honor your efforts by sharing some of our policies with you. Perhaps you'll draw some inspiration from our time-tested, mother-approved approach as you continue on your journey. We're praying for you Cedarville... or, at least, praying about you.

At Juniperview University, we have also issued sweeping policy changes based on Phil. 4:8. Effective as of 2015, each of our students is required to wear a Philippians 4:8 Viewing Apparatus at all times.

The Philippians 4:8 Viewing Apparatus

Because of the physical equipment involved, our Philippians 4:8 policy could be instituted as part of our dress code.

Now, professors find it much easier to teach. Education is simply a matter of fitting all of the course content into a 12" by 12" box. Long gone are the troublesome distractions that used to plague our students.

The Viewing Apparatus, or the "Truth Tunnel" as our students call it, has also equipped us to block out harmful influences. Just last week, one of our students ventured into a Speedway gas station to purchase some Mike & Ikes while wearing the apparatus. During their visit, they did not see a single alcoholic beverage!

And the other customers noticed our student's commitment to righteousness, even from outside the Juniperview bubble. A pagan customer in the gas station saw our student and yelled out, "What a tool!" This is exactly what we are striving for... to be tools for the Lord's use!

Our new policy is also a hit among our parents.


"I can't always be there to shield Billy from harm," said one Mommy. "I sleep much easier at night knowing that my little college boy is being protected from the rotten influences of this world."

Juniperview University has also implemented a brand new Music Policy. Here is the diagram.

In spite of our past interactions with the internet, and the lurking menace known as "the meme," we have gradually reintroduced internet access on our campus. Select students are permitted to view one internet per day, in the presence of a trained adult chaperone.

Here is a photograph of our new Internet Usage Policy in action.

Cedarville, we commend you for your effort, but we also must admonish you. You simply have not gone far enough. Please consider amending your sparse and undefined Philippians 4:8 policy to more closely resemble our efforts.

In times like these, we must remember that the world is watching. We must be careful not to appear too relevant.

The President Speaks

From the Office of President James Barsuvius, PhD MDiv MBA SAT SOB

Greetings,

This is President Barsuvius speaking.

I am aware that the Juniperview News blog website portal device has been dormant for quite some time. Today, I break the silence to make a very important announcement.

You may recall the big changes that took place several months ago when we terminated our entire news staff in order to... go a different direction. Since then, someone has been posting news stories while calling himself "The Commander."

It is time to come clean. I have a shocking confession to make, one that none of you could have ever seen coming.

I am the Commander.

That's right, I have assumed full control of the news that goes out about Juniperview University.

What's that? You think it is odd for a university president to take such a firm lead when it comes to public relations?

Well, I don't think so. I am simply emulating my friends over at Cedarville University in Ohio.

This week, administrators (including the University President) stepped in to confiscate copies of an independent student publication. Apparently a group of students, with no adult supervision, created their own student newspaper. They printed this publication on the interweb machines all over campus and distributed written copies (presumably from a secret, hidden printing press) outside the university chapel.

(Hey Janis... I think you still work here. My secretary is out this week, but as you proofread this article, can you make sure you delete the link to this story from the final edition? I would hate for that to get wide release! Thanks, sweetheart!)

If you have any doubt about Cedarville's actions in removing this rogue student newspaper, click on this link to visit the online version of the publication. Click the link to read the type of nonsense that was being spread on his campus.

I mean, seriously... look at this stuff. In fact, everyone reading this: why don't you take this link and share it with ten or twenty of your closest friends? That way, we can warn people about the dangers of this type of free thinking. We would not want this material to reach a wide audience, so please, pass this link on so people know to steer clear!

I have been inspired by the bold leadership of Cedarville University. I have been so inspired, in fact, that I have broken my internet silence to tell the world that I am the Commander of News at Juniperview University.

As University President and Commander of News, it is my job to keep a stranglehold on the truth. I must protect the truth by any means necessary. I must be ready to lay the smackdown on any outside viewpoints that try to encroach upon the minds of our students.

New idea? Roundhouse kick that thing in the face!

Dissenting viewpoint? Karate chop that bad boy into submission!

Varying theological interpretations? Pin them to the ground and make them squeal like a piggy!

It is time to open up a can of whoop-ass on diversity of thought. If nobody else will do it, then I will do it myself. With the single-mindedness of a charging bull, I will seek and destroy anything that doesn't jive with the Juniperview approach.

If all the plates can't match, I would rather just destroy the China shop.

In situations like this, weak-minded simpletons and pagan liberals may be tempted to side with the rogue student newspaper. These degenerates may suggest that Cedarville university was wrong to confiscate the newspapers, or that they should not have attempted to silence the voices of students on campus.

Some people may speak to this rogue student newspaper and tell them to keep on going! They may tell the so-called Ventriloquist that they should continue printing their paper, or that they should continue to provide a platform for voices that deviate from the University-approved talking points. Back-sliding hypocrites may even contact the writers of the underground newspaper and give them a word of encouragement. They may tell the publishers to get creative, to keep publishing online, and to seek new locations off-campus to distribute their paper.

The audacity of these words!

I pledge to you, as President of this institution, and as the new Commanding Officer of News, that words like those will never appear in print on our site. Never. Not even once.

The beauty of one-sided truth is that everyone has to fall on one side or the other. It is time to pick sides. I invite you to walk with me in the truth.

You can be on the side of Juniperview University. Or, you can be on the wrong side.

Until next time...

So bold. So brash. So Juniperview.

Juniperview to Terminated Employees: "You're Welcome!"

by The Commander

This week, President Barsuvius revealed an unfolding plan to increase the influence of the university all over the country.

In a crowded press conference, Barsuvius took the stage to unveil the details of one of the most elaborate viral marketing campaigns ever conceived, a campaign that has been almost two years in the making.

The complex and unprecedented plan involves terminating talented employees from Juniperview University in order to free them up for service elsewhere.

"In the past year, there has been an unstoppable flood of talented people flowing out of Juniperview University. Along with my colleagues on the Board of Trustees, I have been responsible for dozens of terminations, forced resignations, and departures by alienation. In fact, we have sent more people away in the past year than we have welcomed in!"

Trustee Flut Butterson agreed, "If it were not for us, many of these professors and administrators would still be here. Now, they are serving in various capacities all over the world. Think of the influence these people are having!"

According to University officials, this has been the plan from the beginning.

"When you step back and think of the amount of raw talent we unleashed on the world, it is pretty staggering. Just think of all the people who are able to say, 'I used to be at Juniperview!' "

Ex-Juniperview employees have gone on to create organizations, head up bold initiatives, and build innovative ministries. They have gone on to write prolific works and teach in prestigious institutions. They have taken leadership roles at premier institutions. They have relocated to new cities to pursue their passions. They have dreamt big dreams and given of themselves sacrificially for the betterment of others. They have cared for their families. They have risen to face every challenge. And the respect and admiration their friends and peers hold for them has only grown exponentially.

"Can Juniperview take credit for their great success?" asked President Barsuvius, "Well... yes. I like to think so."

President Barsuvius had comforting words for employees who had been terminated or forced to resign.

"You're welcome!" he said, "Just think about how things would be if you were still employed at Juniperview."

Outside observers noticed patterns of increasing staff departure many months ago, but few were able to understand the true purpose behind these happenings. Many alumni noticed the change when Barsuvius became the new University president, but few realized how far back the preparations and planning for this staff exodus can be traced.

Of course, it is important to note that President Barsuvius took an active role in disseminating Juniperview talent all over the planet.

"I have always said, the first thing a person should do upon stepping into leadership at an established institution is to shake the tree. That is the best way to see who will fall out and who will stay."

President Barsuvius pointed to the bonsai tree on his desk, which he keeps as a reminder of the basis of his leadership.

"When I took this office, I shook the tree as hard as I could. And what fell out? Fruit."

Students Protected from Illegal Aliens

by The Commander 

Parents are breathing a sigh of relief this week after a close call on Juniperview's campus.

The trouble began earlier this month when a group of rogue students planned an unsanctioned event on campus. The event (called "Welcome to the Table") was intended to help local students and leaders get to know people who live in the community who could benefit from immigration reform. The informal event would have included testimonies from Latino immigrants who live and work in the Juniperview area, and also a discussion on immigration reform.

Once the event had appeared on the campus calendar for several months, and had been advertised extensively, and had been announced at numerous venues, university officials caught wind of the devious dinner. 

As they investigated the malevolent meal, university officials uncovered something sinister. Examination of the list of invitees revealed that the citizenship status of some of the guests... could not be verified. 

The surreptitious supper was quickly canceled, and any students with plans to attend the pernicious potluck were summarily executed. 

The Vice Regent of Party Planning and Banquet Preparations, Jon Claude Van Hamme, questioned whether the recreant repast aligned with the mission of the university.

"As with any event at Juniperview, we must ask the question: would Jesus be a part of this?" clarified Van Hamme, "Eating with strangers? Of different nationalities? I don't think so!" 

Dr. Barsuvius agreed. He acted quickly in hopes of shielding students from the dangerous effects of eating with people different than them.

"These vile victuals had the potential to bring down the entire university. I had to act, to protect everything we hold dear." 

When news broke about the cancellation of the event, representatives of the nascent Approaches to New Godly Learning Organization were quick to congratulate Dr. Barsuvius for his actions. 

In a private ceremony Tuesday, admissible by invitation only, ANGLO presented Dr. Barsuvius with a gold medal for Courage in Leadership.

While accepting his medal, Dr. Barsuvius humbly deflected the praise. He named another Midwestern Christian university as a strong influence on his decision making.

“To be honest, we cannot take all the credit for such vigilance. We were inspired by the precedent set by our sister school, Cedarville University in Ohio. Students at CU had planned a similar event on their campus this month. They were set to host a holiday banquet with people of various nationalities… inviting them to come to the table around the issue of immigration. Luckily, before the event could get off the ground, the President of the University swooped in and said, ‘No way, Jose!’”

Over at Cedarville, the errant youth who had planned a banquet with nefarious nibblers were surprised to find their room request mysteriously canceled. When these wayward students inquired about the cause of this cancellation, word came down from the President’s office that such an event would not be taking place on campus.

Using Cedarville’s approach as a model of Biblical integration, Juniperview University responded on their campus with similar tactics.

Barsuvius said, “On issues like this, someone has to go first. Someone has to pave the way. Without innovative trail-blazers to serve as examples, who knows how we would have responded to the issue of immigration?”

Female Bible Professor Resigned, Not Terminated

by The Commander

Today, President James Barsuvius responded to allegations that he fired a Bible professor because she was a woman.

On Monday, Professor Happi Logan turned in her resignation. Ms. Logan taught Women's Ministry at Juniperview University for nearly 10 years.

Logan's sudden departure from the university gave way to speculation that President Barsuvius played a role in eliminating her position. Students, alumni, and staff made numerous inquiries, petitioning Barsuvius to clarify the role he played in the decision.

"Let me be clear: I did not fire Professor Logan," said Barsuvius, "I simply made the atmosphere completely unbearable for her until she resigned."

Barsuvius went on to explain that he would never fire an employee because of their gender. Instead, he would employ a number of tactics to wear female employees down, make them feel unwelcome, and challenge their right or authority to teach Scripture.

"Listen, Professor Logan can stay at Juniperview as long as she likes. Leaving is her choice, not mine. We'd be happy to find a new role for her... perhaps as kitchen staff or in the chapel nursery. Nobody can say there is no place for women at Juniperview."

One unnamed Trustee had this to say about the situation, "I support the President 100 percent. He took no action against the Bible Professor. He simply stripped her of the roles and responsibilities she never should have had in the first place."

Professor Logan will leave several sections of her Women's Ministry courses without a professor. The University encourages female students to sign up for these courses anyway.

"We are working on a plan to make sure that Women's Ministry gets the attention it deserves. Dr. Jeff Wildman may take over the class, or another member of the Bible faculty. Dr. Daniel Bigmale, or Dr. Michal Pestosterone, or Dr. Conrad Testes... one of the guys will surely take over the course," said Barsuvius, "Rest assured, women will receive the precise teaching they need to hear on this important topic."

The men on campus had a variety of reactions to the news of Logan's departure, ranging from disinterest to apathy to enthusiastic support.

Women across campus could not be reached for comment because they could not stop weeping.

Despite apparent controversy, one thing is clear: Happi Logan will no longer be serving at Juniperview.

"Professor Logan fell on her own," said Barsuvius, "All I did was shake the tree."

What Happened to Juniperview?

Dear Devoted Readers, 

Greetings to you in the Name above all names… Juniperview University.

As you have surely noticed, there have been no new postings on Juniperview University News since October. We apologize for this long delay in posting. The lack of new content is inexcusable, especially when we stop to consider how vitally important it is that Juniperview University spread its light and truth in a dark and weary world. If not us, then who?

Why have we not posted? Unfortunately, there have been some internal staffing concerns here at Juniperview News.  

That being said, the Leadership has some important announcements to make.

First, are editor is no logern employed buy us.

This past month, an internal investigation of Juniperview News Organization revealed that Cornelius Finklestein had, on numerous occasions, visited a church whose teachings do not align fully with the Newspaper Doctrinal Statement.

What’s black and white and red all over? A university newspaper editor covered in iniquity! 

When this news came to light, Cornelius was immediately terminated.

It is standard practice, when one employee is found to be out of compliance with University Law, that we open an investigation on the entire department.

Steven Norris, Juniperview writer and friend of Finklestein, was found to be complicit in this cover-up. Steven had knowledge of Finklestein’s affinity for perverted churches, yet did not report this information immediately to the administration. With someone of Finklestein’s persuasion active in the organization, it was Steven’s responsibility to bring this information to light. He did not.

For this reason, Steven Norris will no longer be writing for Juniperview University News.

Frederick J. Templeton has served Juniperview University for many, many years. A once prolific author, Templeton wrote hundreds of books in his lifetime. He wrote a devotional in 1956 entitled How to Follow Jesus Like a Man. As we were completing our annual review of this book and his other writings, we noticed the following quote:

I have been following Jesus my entire life. I have followed him for 70 years; I am almost certain I will be following him for another 70.

Juniperview University has made clear its position on Truth and Certainty. Phrases like “almost certain” open the door to doubt, postmodernism, open theism, and homosexuality. 

For this reason, Frederick J. Templeton will no longer be writing for Juniperview University News.

(It has also come to light that Janis Joplin is a woman. She has been fired.)

Those are the most recent staffing changes at Juniperview University News. Rest assured: we have followed the age old adage, “When in doubt, clean house.” With time, prayer, and effort, we know we will get this publication back on track.

Stay tuned for updates on our search for new staff. More to come… also, visit the updated "News Staff Page."

Where are they now?

Cornelius Finklestein was executed by firing squad at dawn. His final words were, “Long live Juniperview, oh Righteous and Blameless institution! We all know I had this coming!” (Those were his final words, we swear. We promise we did not intentionally misquote him. That’s what he said. Verbatim. No, really. Why would we make that up? It’s written here in this press release, so it must be true.)

Steven Norris has been imprisoned indefinitely in Juniperview University Correctional Facility (affectionately referred to by students as The Big Brig). He awaits trial for charges of Treason Against the Academic Mace.

Janis Joplin was stoned to death by an angry mob outside the dining hall. Juniperview did not sanction this execution and does not endorse the actions of the mob… but hey, what can you do?

The current whereabouts of Frederick J. Templeton are unknown.

Faculty Relieved as Juniperview University Dispenses with Pretense of Shared Governance

Guest Columnist, T.P. Zinjanthropus


At a Juniperview University faculty meeting this week, President James Barsuvius finally had enough of the glacial pace of academic committee work.

"There are just things, procedural things, that need to get done without a lot of niggling. Where I'm from we don't take kindly to niggling.  If I need a vote to go through, well, I don't have all
day."
            

 Pictured: The Academic Mace, as held aloft in the recent inauguration ceremony. The mace represents the ruling authority of the University.

Barsuvius brought a motion before the faculty to grant extensive powers to a committee of administrators to "make necessary personnel adjustments, add and delete courses to the General Education curriculum, re-organize underperforming assets, increase the presence of prayer as a health care benefit (and reduce dependence on secular medicine), and creatively re-allocate funds from employees' retirement accounts."

Barsuvius told the faculty that the chair of Juniperview's trustee board, industrial waste disposal magnate F. Lump Shornbeard, called him on the phone every day to discuss leadership issues like the vote.  "Lump calls me every day.  Sometimes I'm on the phone with my mom and the call waiting doo-hickey goes off and I know it's Lump calling, and I hit the button, and sure enough, it's Lump, alright."  Barsuvius indicated that Shornbeard usually called to see if Barsuvius was making progress on their administrative agenda.

"And you know," Barsuvius announced in the faculty meeting, "if I don't get this vote though, he's going to ask me why I can't get anything done.  And then, obviously, I'm going to take it out on you."

A few faculty protested that forcing the vote in this manner undermines the sacred principal of shared governance in higher education.  "How sad to see the faculty cave in to these strong-arm tactics.  We need to stand up and make our voices heard when administrators abuse power," remarked one faculty member who spoke from behind a clown mask on condition of anonymity and acceptance into a witness protection program.

 Most, however, were relieved.

"We are not equipped as professors to deal with complex issues," said Mindy McKitchener, assistant professor of domestic enhancement and family dynamics.  "We're just really not."

Most faculty seemed to agree.  The vote passed by a large margin, after which the faculty were dismissed to the lobby for donuts.

President Barsuvius Inaugurated as Juniperview President

by Janis Joplin

This morning, October 7, in the Juniperview Chapel, Dr. James Barsuvius was officially inaugurated as the 453rd President of Juniperview University.

Barsuvius was selected by a university search committee in June and has been easing into his Presidential duties since then. Today's ceremony was open to staff, students, alumni, and local dignitaries wishing to welcome Dr. Barsuvius to this position.

The ceremony was filled with worship music and inspiring comments from a long list of dignitaries, including two former university presidents, the Chairman of the Board of Trustees, and mega-celebrity Kirk Cameron.

The inaugural address was provided by Samuel Shepherd, the Dean of Biblical Thinking About Important Things. After numerous prayers and exhortations, along with some Scripture readings and hymns, Dr. Barsuvius came on deck and assumed his seat at the bridge. From his command chair, Dr. Barsuvius took this opportunity to publicly reminded the faculty of his new role as Chief Academic Officer.

"Keep an eye on your email inboxes for announcements regarding coming changes," said Barsuvius, "I will keep an eye on your email inboxes too."

In an unprecedented move, Dr. Barsuvius followed his remarks by inviting a local artist on stage to take part in a ceremony. Dr. Barsuvius then lowered his trousers and had the university doctrinal statement, in its entirety, tattooed on his right buttock.

"We were very happy to see that take place," said Dr. Cornrose, Vice Regent of Academic Affairs and Such, "He has left no room for doubt when it comes to his unwavering commitment to our doctrinal precepts."

Cedarville University, a Christian college in Ohio, recently began the tradition of having a newly appointed President ceremonially sign a doctrinal statement during the inauguration. Juniperview has taken things even further.

"Whatever I do while in this position of leadership, I will do it seated upon the doctrinal statement," said Dr. Barsuvius.

This marks the first time in University history that a sitting president has tattooed the doctrinal statement on his buttocks.

Pictured below: The Inauguration Proceedings

Administrator Apologizes for Poetry Reading

by Cornelius Finklestein

President James Barsuvius issued a public apology today in response to startling allegations from students and staff related to his theological and philosophical views.

The trouble began during a chapel service when Dr. Barsuvius quoted a poem by W.H. Auden.

At first, very few people noticed the problem. In fact, the words were met with a chorus of Amens. But one eagle-eyed trustee who happened to be in attendance took issue right away.

"I was shocked," said the trustee, who asked to have his name withheld, "He was talking about his wife, and how much he loved her as a help-meet. Next thing I knew, he was reading the stanza just like it was nothing."

The stanza in question:

I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street...

Once University officials realized what had happened, they formed a committee to approach the President and determine the cause of his actions.

Later that day, President Barsuvius issued a formal apology during a press conference.

"This morning in chapel, I quoted the poetry of W.H. Auden. Since then, it has been brought to my attention that Auden was a flamboyant homosexual. I had no knowledge of this at the time, but now I deeply regret my actions and publicly repent of my behavior."

Barusvius took full responsibility for his actions, but he also explained that his fascination with the poet originated with another scholar. He credits his friend and mentor Albert Mohler with introducing him to the poetry of Auden.

"For as long as I can remember, Dr. Mohler has cited Auden as his favorite poet. He's very well-read. He told me so!" said Barsuvius, "I assumed I could trust him. I didn't know any better!"

Albert Mohler is a prominent theologian, author, and current President of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. Despite his credentials, evidence suggests that Mohler has quoted Auden on numerous occasions and even referred to the poet as "one of the greats," and his "favorite."

In fact, reports in Southern Baptist circles indicate that Al Mohler quoted Auden during the faculty and staff sessions at Christian university in Ohio earlier this year.

Cedarville University (which identifies itself as Uncompromisingly and Astonishingly Southern Baptist) invited Dr. Mohler to kick off the 2013-2014 academic year. Much to everyone's surprise, Mohler referenced Auden numerous times.

Dr. Barsuvius reflected on previous interactions with Mohler, saying, "Dr. Mohler once quoted Funeral Blues once in casual conversation, but the irony seemed lost on him. I mean, I know that poem is meant to be read as the perspective of particular person, but without context, what were we left with? Dr. Mohler professing his love to someone named Johnny for over five minutes!"

Dr. Mohler has not commented on the scandal, but Juniperview University wishes to assure students, staff, and alumni that they will be taking a long, hard look at their relationship with Al Mohler in the future.

"If we cannot trust him to uphold our community covenant and doctrinal statement, then it may be time for us to part ways," said Daniel Sternman, Vice Regent of Doctrinal Clarity, "We have made our positions VERY clear. We're here, we're clear, get used to it."

Trustees Commission Musical Praise to Doctrinal Statement

 Guest Writer, T.P. Zinjanthropus

The Board of Trustees of Juniperview University has commissioned award-winning composer Dr. Scott Sommershell to compose an extended musical ode in praise of the institution's doctrinal statement.  Dr. Sommershell, who also serves as Juniperview's Dean of Program Disintegration, outlined his plans for the piece.

"It will be impressive.  Like the music from Call of Duty, only better, louder.  It will be orchestra and choir, drums, so many drums, and just a wall of sound.  Like a line of battle tanks bearing down on you, only just this is the tanks of doctrine."

Trustee Flut Butterson, commenting after a national pastors' luncheon, agreed. "Movies get that extra oomph from a great music soundtrack.  This thing will give us that oomph in our doctrine.  We need that!  Each time we sign it, recite it, talk about it, we'll be thinking, you know, bahm, bah-bah-bah baaaahhhm," remarked Butterson between mouthfuls of barbeque.

Sommershell's project includes theatrical elements. 

"We'll need to design a flag. We have that huge American flag, but we need a bigger flag, a doctrine flag.  We're loyal to America but even more loyal to the doctrinal statement. So we plan to make a great big flag and have it come unrolling from the ceiling right at the end of my piece," he said, growing animated. "And that's when I want everyone to stand up and do that ceiling hands thing the kids do. Then we want our ROTC boys to present arms, and all the faculty will salute the new flag with a special salute. I will conduct the whole thing from way up high on a platform." 

The newly-formed School of Domestic Prosperity, Family Relations, and Culinary Arts has been assigned the task of creating the flag. 

The debut performance is scheduled for Good Friday in 2014.

Raid Uncovers Large Amounts of Contraband

by Janis Joplin

More than 30 campus safety officers from Juniperview University and participating agencies descended on campus early Thursday morning to serve 11 search warrants following an eight-month undercover investigation targeting the unlicensed possession of contraband materials.

 

The investigation (initially launched by the Division of Alcohol, Theology, and Firearms) uncovered massive amounts of unauthorized philosophy books, irregular Bible translations, and DVDs of PG and PG-13 rated movies.

 

Campus authorities say there was over 320 kilos of raw product, 50 kilos of which were ready for distribution. 

 

"Among the items, we seized 27 kilos of Kierkegaard and 13 bales of Rob Bell. 160,000 pocket editions of the NIV were prepped for delivery. We suspect the product was being stored for later dissemination throughout the region," said Officer Coppertop.

 

The investigation, named Operation Bad Apple, involved members of the Juniperview ATF, the North Indiana Theological Trafficking Program, and the Tri-County King James Task Force. Detective John Clandestine headed up the investigation.

 

"These materials are marketed to our youth and young adults," said Clandestine. "Young people become the target of suppliers who intentionally market these books and DVDs through slick and gimmicky packaging. Those young people who unwittingly experiment with these types of products often find themselves ending up in a bad place, sometimes even congregations that are not Southern Baptist."

 

Investigators said they executed the search warrants in dorms, offices, and common areas all over campus. Investigators also conducted searches of several private homes near campus as well as  storage units in surrounding counties where students were allegedly gathering to share contraband materials.

 

Campus officials said they have charged six people with violation of campus racketeering rules, the sale of controlled translations, delivery of philosophy paraphernalia, and viewing PG movies without a parent or guardian present. Conviction on these charges could result in sentences of up to 60 years of after-school detention.

 

In all, 17 people have been taken into custody. Most shocking of all, 2 Bible faculty were involved in the sting.

 

"We discovered that a couple of Bible professors had encouraged students to read books that fell outside the bounds of our approved reading material," said President Barsuvius, "Those professors were terminated immediately... and they lost their jobs too."

 

Campus police also uncovered a quantity of methamphetamine, but it was not considered to be the primary threat.

 

University Saves Money, Lowers Cost

by Janis Joplin

In order to cut costs and increase efficiency, President James Barsuvius has announced numerous mergers and reductions for departments across the board.

The School of Biblical Studies will now be named The School for Biblical Studies and Janitorial Ministries. In addition to their teaching duties, faculty in the Bible Department will be responsible for cleaning offices, maintaining public areas (such as lobbies and hallways), and ordering cleaning supplies.

"As university professors, we find ourselves wrestling with many profound questions," said Daniel Besties, Custodian Emeritus of Old Testament, "What is the best way to engage young people for Christ? Is our academic program rigorous enough? What is the best way to clean a desk top without damaging the finish? Where are the trash bags stored? It really is a lot to think about."

Big changes were also announced for the newly named School for Engineering, Nursing, and Catering. Effective this week, faculty and staff of ENC are now responsible for buying groceries, preparing meals, and overseeing the operation of the campus dining hall.

"Those engineers can build one sturdy sandwich!" proclaimed one satisfied customer.

Few departments were untouched by the sweeping changes of the new administration. Some departments adapted to the changes more quickly than the others. Regarding Campus Safety's recent takeover of the Department of English, Literature, and Modern Languages, Henry David Rambo had this to say:

"At first, it was a little difficult to balance academic work and our regular patrols, but we managed. Some students have complained about the new location for Composition classes, but they will get used to the firing range in no time. On the bright side, our Creative Writing Course has turned out several solid field manuals."

These changes are not the first for Juniperview. Just weeks ago, President James Barsuvius merged the departments of Christian Ministries and Student Life and formed a new department, known as the Mega-Division of Spiritual Things.

"We had to make some tough decisions, but it is all for the sake of the Kingdom. If everyone pitches in and takes on a little more responsibility, think of the money we can save!" said Sophie Stree, Vice Regent of Public Relations and Plant Watering.

The university has also found ways to save on personnel.

"We started with more than 20 Bible professors. At last count, we are down to 3 or 4."

Juniperview Opens Title IX Investigation

By Steven Norris

Juniperview University, a Christian college in Indiana, revealed this week it is under review by the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights.

The review is in response to a complaint claiming the university is in violation of Title IX, a federal gender equity law, which requires (among other things) that colleges respond appropriately to sexual harassment and violence on campus and provide assistance for victims.

University officials responded to the complaint by pledging their full cooperation. In fact, university officials announced their plans to launch a Title IX investigation immediately.

"This complaint raises all sorts of questions for us," said President Barsuvius, "First of all, what is Title IX? How does it apply to us? Is this something Christians should be a part of? We will not stop until we have the answers we need."

Dr. Barsuvius announced plans to form an investigation committee to examine Title IX and determine what, if any, relationship it has to Juniperview University.

Julius Womper, Vice Regent of Gender Equality for Dames, has been tapped to head the committee.

"The investigation is well underway," said Womper, "We have interviewed numerous people in the area. We asked them if they had ever heard of Title IX, and what they thought it might mean. Many people were confused at first, but then we realized we had been pronouncing it incorrectly. Apparently, the name is pronounced Title NINE, not Title EYE-ECKS. There are no solid leads yet, but after interviewing numerous stakeholders and eyewitnesses, we are confident we will soon have an understanding of what has transpired."

President Barsuvius shares this confidence. He assured media representatives that he would leave no stone unturned in his investigation.

"I assure you, we are taking this very seriously. Title IX, if you can hear me, we are coming for you! We will investigate Title IX for as long as it takes."

Displaced Administrator Reflects on Career

For the first time in history, Juniperview University News is proud to share the contribution of a guest columnist! (it's ok. We checked his doctrine).

Last January, Juniperview’s "Vice President for Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday" resigned suddenly amid speculation that he might actually be a Presbyterian. A Non-Disclosure Agreement prevented Vice President Rupert Carby from disclosing the reasons for his sudden departure leading many to believe that he might have a really bad case of shingles. The Public Relations office tried to dispel these rumors of Presbyterianism and shingles, insisting that it was not a rash decision. Carby reflected pensively on a career marked my monumental conflict, epic accomplishment, and dramatic social change.

The most epic monumental dramatic issue hit Carby early in his career.

“When the first challenge arose I drew inspiration from Martin Luther, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, lots of Baptist dudes, and Sandi Patty.”

Carby reflected, “I was still wet behind the ears (referring to his baptism), but I knew that I was put in a position of male authority for such a moment as this. I knew my response would shape the church and broader fashion trends for decades.”

At the time, Juniperview required that all men wear socks with their sandals so as to avoid the appearance of evil and nail fungus. “Back then, it was also a quality thing. We wanted to be stamped all over with quality right down to our feet.”

In a move that Carby now recognizes as a mistake, he revoked the rule requiring socks with sandals. “At the time, I viewed the issue as a constitutional matter. But after I made the change our campus historian, Dr. Merle Moonstock stormed into my office and insisted that there was no constitutional right to bare feet.”

Harshest criticism for what is now known as the sandal scandal came from trustee Flut Butterson, President of East West South Seminary of Separated Systematic Dispensational BAPTIST Stuff, commented, “Only pansies wear sandals. Our preacher boys wear boots. Cowboy boots. With socks.”

Carby’s next challenge came when a group called Horse Force announced that they were planning a nationwide buggy tour that included a stop at Juniperview. Horse Force consisted of about 30 disgruntled Amish and a few Mennonites. They were upset that Juniperview refused to grant parking stickers to buggies. Campus Safety officer, Lt. Sandalpox said, “We didn’t really have a problem with it. We didn’t want anyone to get bit, and then there is the problem of horse droppings.”

Carby said, “I don’t think people are born Amish, but they also don’t just wake up one day and say, 'Hey, I think I’ll be Amish.'” He added, “Its much more complicated than that. A lot of these Amish first realized they might be Amish when they took drivers training. All the guys were talking about Camaros and all they could think about were draft horses.”

Word got out that Carby was allowing some Amish to park buggies on campus during chapel and things really got ugly when the Provost stepped in a fresh pile of dung ruining a really nice pair of wingtips.

The Chancellor got involved telling several Amish to “Keep their damn horses off the grass. Where are your values anyway.” He cooled down (since they weren’t his wingtips) and told them to have a nice Christmas and not to lose their buggy bells. He then got them to donate $47 million for a really nice stable.

Carby’s final straw came when he invited a known Democrat to campus and was heard commenting that Obama might really have been born in Hawaii. That sealed his fate.

Alumnus of the Century, Michael Slipdidian lamented Carby's sudden departure saying "I just can't get my Christian Worldview around this one. Carby was so cool. We used to take smoke breaks out among the Junipers during daily convocation. I know the times they are a changin' but I'm just tangled up in blue. I don't know where Carby will serve now but I know he's gotta serve somebody. They must as well have stoned him and everybody."

Carby’s last comment was, “Hey it was a good run. The students here are great. My colleagues in the Department of Nose Rings and Jeans on Friday were amazing. Let’s go out and do nice things and bake a few cinnamon rolls. Best wishes to Juniperview.”