by The Commander
This week, President Barsuvius revealed an unfolding plan to increase the influence of the university all over the country.
In a crowded press conference, Barsuvius took the stage to unveil the details of one of the most elaborate viral marketing campaigns ever conceived, a campaign that has been almost two years in the making.
The complex and unprecedented plan involves terminating talented employees from Juniperview University in order to free them up for service elsewhere.
"In the past year, there has been an unstoppable flood of talented people flowing out of Juniperview University. Along with my colleagues on the Board of Trustees, I have been responsible for dozens of terminations, forced resignations, and departures by alienation. In fact, we have sent more people away in the past year than we have welcomed in!"
Trustee Flut Butterson agreed, "If it were not for us, many of these professors and administrators would still be here. Now, they are serving in various capacities all over the world. Think of the influence these people are having!"
According to University officials, this has been the plan from the beginning.
"When you step back and think of the amount of raw talent we unleashed on the world, it is pretty staggering. Just think of all the people who are able to say, 'I used to be at Juniperview!' "
Ex-Juniperview employees have gone on to create organizations, head up bold initiatives, and build innovative ministries. They have gone on to write prolific works and teach in prestigious institutions. They have taken leadership roles at premier institutions. They have relocated to new cities to pursue their passions. They have dreamt big dreams and given of themselves sacrificially for the betterment of others. They have cared for their families. They have risen to face every challenge. And the respect and admiration their friends and peers hold for them has only grown exponentially.
"Can Juniperview take credit for their great success?" asked President Barsuvius, "Well... yes. I like to think so."
President Barsuvius had comforting words for employees who had been terminated or forced to resign.
"You're welcome!" he said, "Just think about how things would be if you were still employed at Juniperview."
Outside observers noticed patterns of increasing staff departure many months ago, but few were able to understand the true purpose behind these happenings. Many alumni noticed the change when Barsuvius became the new University president, but few realized how far back the preparations and planning for this staff exodus can be traced.
Of course, it is important to note that President Barsuvius took an active role in disseminating Juniperview talent all over the planet.
"I have always said, the first thing a person should do upon stepping into leadership at an established institution is to shake the tree. That is the best way to see who will fall out and who will stay."
President Barsuvius pointed to the bonsai tree on his desk, which he keeps as a reminder of the basis of his leadership.
"When I took this office, I shook the tree as hard as I could. And what fell out? Fruit."
Juniperview University
