Female Bible Professor Resigned, Not Terminated

by The Commander

Today, President James Barsuvius responded to allegations that he fired a Bible professor because she was a woman.

On Monday, Professor Happi Logan turned in her resignation. Ms. Logan taught Women's Ministry at Juniperview University for nearly 10 years.

Logan's sudden departure from the university gave way to speculation that President Barsuvius played a role in eliminating her position. Students, alumni, and staff made numerous inquiries, petitioning Barsuvius to clarify the role he played in the decision.

"Let me be clear: I did not fire Professor Logan," said Barsuvius, "I simply made the atmosphere completely unbearable for her until she resigned."

Barsuvius went on to explain that he would never fire an employee because of their gender. Instead, he would employ a number of tactics to wear female employees down, make them feel unwelcome, and challenge their right or authority to teach Scripture.

"Listen, Professor Logan can stay at Juniperview as long as she likes. Leaving is her choice, not mine. We'd be happy to find a new role for her... perhaps as kitchen staff or in the chapel nursery. Nobody can say there is no place for women at Juniperview."

One unnamed Trustee had this to say about the situation, "I support the President 100 percent. He took no action against the Bible Professor. He simply stripped her of the roles and responsibilities she never should have had in the first place."

Professor Logan will leave several sections of her Women's Ministry courses without a professor. The University encourages female students to sign up for these courses anyway.

"We are working on a plan to make sure that Women's Ministry gets the attention it deserves. Dr. Jeff Wildman may take over the class, or another member of the Bible faculty. Dr. Daniel Bigmale, or Dr. Michal Pestosterone, or Dr. Conrad Testes... one of the guys will surely take over the course," said Barsuvius, "Rest assured, women will receive the precise teaching they need to hear on this important topic."

The men on campus had a variety of reactions to the news of Logan's departure, ranging from disinterest to apathy to enthusiastic support.

Women across campus could not be reached for comment because they could not stop weeping.

Despite apparent controversy, one thing is clear: Happi Logan will no longer be serving at Juniperview.

"Professor Logan fell on her own," said Barsuvius, "All I did was shake the tree."

What Happened to Juniperview?

Dear Devoted Readers, 

Greetings to you in the Name above all names… Juniperview University.

As you have surely noticed, there have been no new postings on Juniperview University News since October. We apologize for this long delay in posting. The lack of new content is inexcusable, especially when we stop to consider how vitally important it is that Juniperview University spread its light and truth in a dark and weary world. If not us, then who?

Why have we not posted? Unfortunately, there have been some internal staffing concerns here at Juniperview News.  

That being said, the Leadership has some important announcements to make.

First, are editor is no logern employed buy us.

This past month, an internal investigation of Juniperview News Organization revealed that Cornelius Finklestein had, on numerous occasions, visited a church whose teachings do not align fully with the Newspaper Doctrinal Statement.

What’s black and white and red all over? A university newspaper editor covered in iniquity! 

When this news came to light, Cornelius was immediately terminated.

It is standard practice, when one employee is found to be out of compliance with University Law, that we open an investigation on the entire department.

Steven Norris, Juniperview writer and friend of Finklestein, was found to be complicit in this cover-up. Steven had knowledge of Finklestein’s affinity for perverted churches, yet did not report this information immediately to the administration. With someone of Finklestein’s persuasion active in the organization, it was Steven’s responsibility to bring this information to light. He did not.

For this reason, Steven Norris will no longer be writing for Juniperview University News.

Frederick J. Templeton has served Juniperview University for many, many years. A once prolific author, Templeton wrote hundreds of books in his lifetime. He wrote a devotional in 1956 entitled How to Follow Jesus Like a Man. As we were completing our annual review of this book and his other writings, we noticed the following quote:

I have been following Jesus my entire life. I have followed him for 70 years; I am almost certain I will be following him for another 70.

Juniperview University has made clear its position on Truth and Certainty. Phrases like “almost certain” open the door to doubt, postmodernism, open theism, and homosexuality. 

For this reason, Frederick J. Templeton will no longer be writing for Juniperview University News.

(It has also come to light that Janis Joplin is a woman. She has been fired.)

Those are the most recent staffing changes at Juniperview University News. Rest assured: we have followed the age old adage, “When in doubt, clean house.” With time, prayer, and effort, we know we will get this publication back on track.

Stay tuned for updates on our search for new staff. More to come… also, visit the updated "News Staff Page."

Where are they now?

Cornelius Finklestein was executed by firing squad at dawn. His final words were, “Long live Juniperview, oh Righteous and Blameless institution! We all know I had this coming!” (Those were his final words, we swear. We promise we did not intentionally misquote him. That’s what he said. Verbatim. No, really. Why would we make that up? It’s written here in this press release, so it must be true.)

Steven Norris has been imprisoned indefinitely in Juniperview University Correctional Facility (affectionately referred to by students as The Big Brig). He awaits trial for charges of Treason Against the Academic Mace.

Janis Joplin was stoned to death by an angry mob outside the dining hall. Juniperview did not sanction this execution and does not endorse the actions of the mob… but hey, what can you do?

The current whereabouts of Frederick J. Templeton are unknown.